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Shia LaBeouf to have his head surgically removed from his arse for next role

While many might balk at Mr. LaBeouf’s ‘Method’ approach to acting, others have applauded his decision to remove the swelling ego that had nestled in his ‘rectum-like cavity’. Not only … Continue reading

October 21, 2014 · Leave a comment

60% of adults admit to nightmares involving Roy Keane’s stony visage

Much of the nation’s bed wetting can now be attributed to the steely glare of the ex-midfielder, scourge of the razor and failed Boyzone auditionee – Mr Roy Keane. Coupled … Continue reading

October 20, 2014 · Leave a comment

Caption Competition: ‘And I am delighted to launch this, my election manifesto’

WINNER: ‘And I am delighted to launch this, my election manifesto’ (from Al OPecia)   This month’s photo come courtesy of: bbc.com DATE: 18th Oct 2014 RUNNERS UP: ‘Our council house building … Continue reading

October 19, 2014 · 4 Comments

Drone strike hits Cameron as he claims to be a ‘friend’ of Afghanistan

The UK Prime Minister was forced to dig himself and the new Afghan President, Ashraf Ghani, out from under a pile rubble – left by the impact of a surgical … Continue reading

October 17, 2014 · Leave a comment

 Striking midwives advise patients to ‘cross their legs and hope’

Imminent industrial action, for the first time in their history, has resulted in The Royal College of Midwives warning expectant parents to avoid primrose oil, spicy foods and ‘…the sensation … Continue reading

October 16, 2014 · Leave a comment

Son of baronet strangely in favour of cuts to inheritance tax‏

In a bold, seemingly unselfish move – George Gideon Oliver Osborne, Chancellor of the Exchequer and co-incidentally the 21st great grandson of King Henry III, promised a packed Tory conference … Continue reading

October 15, 2014 · 4 Comments

Skirt length linked to DLT risk

While nutritionists ponder the direct link between skirt size and breast cancer risk; BBC executives have discovered that there is a direct correlation between hem line and the groping machinations … Continue reading

October 14, 2014 · Leave a comment

New tech allows ‘blood sucking bankers’ to upgrade from metaphor to fact

Barclays’ business customers will now be able to log on by scanning the unique pattern of their veins; or as one banker described it as ‘…the fast track to their … Continue reading

October 13, 2014 · 1 Comment

Caption Competition: ‘And the final couple of tucks were put in here, and now no one suspects that I’m George Dubya’

WINNER: ‘And the final couple of tucks were put in here, and now no one suspects that I’m George Dubya’. (from Al Opecia)   This month’s photo come courtesy of: bbc.com … Continue reading

October 12, 2014 · 6 Comments

White House to erect a second fence to protect the Obama’s allotment

With anti-vegetable sentiment in the US reaching crisis point, the Secret Service has taken the unprecedented step of erecting a protective barrier between public and the First Lady’s ‘prize-winning turnip’. … Continue reading

October 10, 2014 · 7 Comments

UN Climate Meetings are now the greatest source of greenhouse gases

Environmental protesters have demanded urgent action to combat the ‘unheralded level of dissembling chatter’ emanating from New York’s climate summit. Hundreds of thousands of marchers in more than 2,000 locations … Continue reading

October 9, 2014 · 5 Comments

West End debut for the production of Twelve Angry Non-gender Specific He/Shes

In a commitment to addressing inequality, English theatres have agreed to an extensive programme of gender-neutral plays and musicals. Hoping to bolster the number of female actors on stage, London’s … Continue reading

October 8, 2014 · 5 Comments

Ed Miliband enters Mars orbit

Strapped to the undercarriage of NASA’s latest satellite – and buoyed by his euphoric proposal to increase the minimum wage and the child benefit cap – the Labour leader was … Continue reading

October 7, 2014 · 4 Comments

Alex Salmond still thinks he won‏

Seen shuffling around Holyrood, in nothing but a tiara and towelling dressing gown, Mr. Salmond has appeared oblivious to the democratic will of the Scottish people. Speaking to reporters the … Continue reading

October 6, 2014 · Leave a comment

Caption Competition: ‘Cherry pickers get it wrong!’

WINNER:‘Cherry pickers get it wrong!’ (from Pierian Dodo)   This month’s photo come courtesy of: bbc.com DATE: 4th Oct 2014 RUNNERS UP:  ‘Even the aphids are starting to look like … Continue reading

October 5, 2014 · 1 Comment

Couples admit giving CAPTCHA tests more second chances than their marriage‏

While many people claim their commitment to love is as strong as ever, scientists have discovered that our capacity to persevere in the face of cryptic passwords, far outstrips our … Continue reading

October 3, 2014 · Leave a comment

England to release Scottish hostages

Regardless of the outcome of  the Scottish referendum, Prime Minister David Cameron has agreed in principal to release the thousands of Scottish citizens being held in captivity south of the … Continue reading

October 2, 2014 · 6 Comments

Doctors admit clusters ‘bad’ in surgery but ‘good’ in cereal

Advertsing experts and medical professionals are now at loggerheads over the division of adjectives to describe unpleasant illnesses versus moreish wheat-based meals. Some members of the public have been duped … Continue reading

October 1, 2014 · Leave a comment

Irony clears Abu Qatada of all terror charges

Thanks to a team of lawyers and a sharp discrepancy between expected versus actual results; the ‘once-radical’ Muslim cleric was seen skipping from a Jordanian court, bathed in an ‘I … Continue reading

September 30, 2014 · Leave a comment

US stops washing its hands‏

Friends of the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention, in Georgia, have started to take note of a recent decline in personal hygiene and a tendency ‘…to leave broken test … Continue reading

September 29, 2014 · Leave a comment

Caption Competition: ‘Another Tory escapes the Conservative Party’

WINNER: ‘Another Tory escapes the Conservative Party’ (from FasterEddy) This month’s photo come courtesy of: bbc.com DATE: 27th Sept 2014 RUNNERS UP: ‘Huh, and he laughs at my mud face-pack!’ (from Binaround … Continue reading

September 28, 2014 · 1 Comment

Rail fares increased to pay for improved ‘buffet creeps’

Regulated rail prices are set to increase by 3.5% by 2015 in order to subsidize a fleet of inter-city perverts. With sex offences already risen by 21%, Britain’s National Rail … Continue reading

September 26, 2014 · Leave a comment

Ed Miliband: Give me a decade to fix Man Utd

In a bold statement of intent, the Labour Leader set out a 10-year plan to reverse the damage done by successive managers at Old Trafford. While many of his critics … Continue reading

September 25, 2014 · Leave a comment

Poland braced for a massive invasion of déjà vu

As Russia reduces gas exports to Poland by 45%, officials in Warsaw have begun contingency plans for the inevitable attack by Vladimir Putin’s troops. ‘It’s only a matter of time,’ … Continue reading

September 24, 2014 · 3 Comments

$1bn to fight Ebola, if Ebola agrees to be a bit more ‘Islamishy’‏

President Obama has offered to send 3,000 American troops to Liberia to help fight the virus outbreak ‘on the proviso’ that Ebola adopts a more Jihadist approach. In turn the … Continue reading

September 23, 2014 · Leave a comment

Scots vote to stay in UK ‘…through no fault of their own’

Despite figures released by the Scottish National Party (SNP) showing that 100% of all registered voters had selected Independence, Scottish people were surprised to awaken on Friday to the status … Continue reading

September 22, 2014 · Leave a comment

Caption Competition: ‘Nick Clegg sounds out new Coalition partners’

WINNER: ‘Nick Clegg sounds out new Coalition partners’ (from pinkyaks)   This month’s photo come courtesy of: bbc.com DATE: 20th Sept 14 RUNNERS UP: ‘Now children, do any of you know … Continue reading

September 21, 2014 · 1 Comment

Home Office admits a cheaper border control would have been ‘one casual racist’

Having had the embarrassment of squandering millions on a failed e-borders programme and a subsequent arbitration settlement, the UK Government has reached the conclusion that a simpler more inexpensive approach … Continue reading

September 19, 2014 · Leave a comment

Minecraft to follow the success of Bing and Windows Vista

The software firm, Mojang, was excited to announce a $2.5bn synergy between their smash-hit computer game and the pretension of a ‘decision engine’. The Swedish firm hope that the US … Continue reading

September 18, 2014 · 1 Comment

Bear Grylls to sue George Foreman for Grill infringement

Having successfully litigated against the commercial use of the word Bear in association with knife manufacture, Mr. Grylls has instructed the law firm of Carpmaels and Ransford to stop the … Continue reading

September 17, 2014 · Leave a comment

Piers Morgan beheaded by CNN

In a copycat killing designed to reassure their shareholders, the Cable News Network (CNN) has released a grainy YouTube video purporting to be the ritual slaying of the ‘beloved’ television … Continue reading

September 16, 2014 · Leave a comment

U2 to offer a free iPhone 6 with every album

In a futile attempt to appear relevant, boost sales and ‘keep Adam Clayton in hair dye’, the Irish rock band have been forced to entice listeners with an ever increasing … Continue reading

September 15, 2014 · 2 Comments

Caption Competition: ‘I’m an Angel but God was drunk when he got to my feet.’

WINNER: “I’m an Angel but God was drunk when he got to my feet.” (from R.Wood)   This month’s photo come courtesy of: bbc.com DATE: 13th Sept 2014 RUNNERS UP: ‘I … Continue reading

September 14, 2014 · 5 Comments

Nick Clegg to use everyone’s paternity leave next year

Anticipating he will have a lot of ‘free time on his hands’ after the next election, the Deputy Prime Minister has volunteered to provide round-the-clock support to all new parents. … Continue reading

September 12, 2014 · Leave a comment

Tories to defend UK’s borders with ‘full force’…just not Scotland

David Cameron has pledged to utilize the full strength of Britain’s armed forces in tackling terrorism, immigration and badgers. However a spokeswoman for the Prime Minister was hesitant on his … Continue reading

September 11, 2014 · Leave a comment

Seasonal Bargain from the Flibbertigibbet Shop

As the countdown begins for the new Flibbertigibbet annual* and in a desperate effort to support the spiralling cost of a crystal meth addiction, Wrenfoe is offering last year’s book … Continue reading

September 10, 2014 · Leave a comment

Alcoholic drinks to carry mug-shot of Mel Gibson

An All-Party Parliamentary Group has recommended that, rather than ambiguous health warnings, all bottles containing alcohol should depict career suicides to emphasize the perils of drink. There will be a … Continue reading

September 9, 2014 · Leave a comment

Public warned not to download naked photos of Steven Seagal

Fear has gripped online users who may have, in a furtive attempt to view intimate erotica of Jennifer Lawrence ‘before their family comes home’, inadvertently downloaded explicit images of Hollywood’s … Continue reading

September 8, 2014 · Leave a comment

Caption Competition: ‘Russia furious with French suggestion for Warship replacement’

WINNER: Russia furious with French suggestion for Warship replacement. (from Al OPecia)   This month’s photo come courtesy of: bbc.com DATE: 6th Sept 2014 RUNNERS UP ‘Risk of avian flu underestimated’ (from … Continue reading

September 7, 2014 · 7 Comments

Pitt and Jolie announce wedding but keep their partner’s identity secret

In news that has set gossip columnists’ tongues wagging, Hollywood’s favourite heartthrobs have revealed they have ‘tied the knot’ but have given no indication as to whom. This riddle, wrapped … Continue reading

September 5, 2014 · Leave a comment

Exposure to 70’s entertainment and Sun journalism leads to prison suicides

The Justice Secretary, Chris Grayling, has denied claims that the prison service is in ‘crisis’ due to a rising population of 70’s DJs and NewsCorp employees depressing existing inmates, with … Continue reading

September 4, 2014 · 6 Comments

Will Self claims he could have written Kate Bush’s songs – ‘only better’

Having already dismissed George Orwell’s contributions to twentieth century literature, as ‘mediocre’, Mr. Self has humbly explained why other artistic icons are not worthy to be considered a genius. To … Continue reading

September 3, 2014 · 2 Comments

Cameron raises terror threat level from ‘Boring’ to ‘Arms industry needs sales’

Despite the risk of being sued by Aesop for stealing the plot to ‘The Boy Who Cried Wolf’, the Coalition Government has once more increased alert levels of a risk … Continue reading

September 2, 2014 · 3 Comments

UK starts advertising for Scotland’s replacement

In the aftermath of Alex Salmond shouting Alistair Darling into submission, the remaining parts of the British Isles have resigned themselves to the fact that its time ‘to move on’ … Continue reading

September 1, 2014 · 4 Comments

Caption Competition: ‘Spiderman and his family had really let themselves go in recent years’

WINNER: ‘Spiderman and his family had really let themselves go in recent years’ (from Pinkyaks)   This month’s photo come courtesy of: bbc.com DATE: 30th August 2014 RUNNERS UP ‘You can’t … Continue reading

August 31, 2014 · 3 Comments

Reality TV needs to be more inclusive for Eton & Oxbridge graduates

A Social Mobility Commission study has discovered that those who really run the UK are woefully under-represented on the only thing that matters to the British public – Talent Shows … Continue reading

August 29, 2014 · Leave a comment

The rest of the world needs to stop depressing us, complains UK‏

Just as the Summer Hols passes its zenith, many British holidaymakers have been left frustrated by the international community’s failure to ‘chill out’ and ‘…enjoy the start of the Premiership … Continue reading

August 28, 2014 · 2 Comments

Nigel Farage’s selection in jeopardy due to an allergy to real ale‏

UKIP members in the Kent constituency of South Thanet have been thrown into disarray by the unexpected hypersensitivity to unpasteurised beer of their frontrunner for the 2015 general election. Having … Continue reading

August 27, 2014 · 6 Comments

Extremist groups mobilize over the cost of a three-bedroom house in London

New research by the Home Office suggest that Islamic State militants attempt to found a caliphate in northern Iraq may be motivated by the spiralling cost of the UK’s rental … Continue reading

August 26, 2014 · Leave a comment

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