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Banned skiing violinist may be the poshest thing you have ever heard of

For members of the public more accustomed to playing the kazoo and holidays in Blackpool, the social angst of losing violin and skiing privileges may seem somewhat niche. Yet international … Continue reading

November 21, 2014 · Leave a comment

Bitcoins to be replaced with Lego (Flibbertigibbet News 2014)

Don’t waste your hard earned cash buying Christmas presents for free-loading relatives and kids that are clearly going to put you into a care home one day. Instead, invest 99p … Continue reading

November 20, 2014 · 2 Comments

Miliband declares victory in US Midterms‏

Much to the surprise and delight of the Labour faithful, their leader announced sweeping gains in the US Senate. Despite being separated by a political ideology and 3000 miles of … Continue reading

November 19, 2014 · Leave a comment

Navy Seal claims he shot Bin Laden but ‘…didn’t shoot no deputy, oh no! Oh!’

US commandos and Bob Marley fans are openly squabbling over who fired the shot that killed the al-Qaeda leader. There are varying accounts of what happened on that fateful raid, … Continue reading

November 18, 2014 · 2 Comments

Men happy to sit in Beckham pants drinking Beckham whiskey‏

Style and body conscious men have been united in their support of David Beckham™’s new Haig Club whisky advert. Not only does it open the door for the metro-sexual male … Continue reading

November 17, 2014 · 2 Comments

Caption Competition: The annual chocolate knob award for 2014 onwards goes to FIFA, FIFA, FIFA, FIFA…

WINNER: ‘The annual chocolate knob award for 2014 onwards goes to FIFA, FIFA, FIFA, FIFA…’ (from Squudge)   This month’s photo come courtesy of: bbc.com DATE: 15th Nov 2014 RUNNERS … Continue reading

November 16, 2014 · 1 Comment

Rise in orphans linked to Theresa May’s dream of casting ‘Annie’

With the number of children living in temporary accommodation at a three-year high, it has become self-evident that the Home Secretary is socially engineering a nation of plucky, red-haired waifs. … Continue reading

November 14, 2014 · Leave a comment

Home Office asks for advice on how to fix an Inquiry

With regret Home Secretary Theresa May has conceded that she has run out of ‘dodgy’ candidates to appoint to chair the Inquiry into Historic Child Abuse. Having lost Baroness Butler-Sloss … Continue reading

November 13, 2014 · Leave a comment

George Osborne declares himself half-man half-prophet half-mathematical genius

Twenty four million UK tax payers are being sent, by the Treasury, a breakdown of Government spending – which has all the transparency of a Conservative Donor list. With the … Continue reading

November 12, 2014 · 2 Comments

Tim Cook – Proud to be gay but not proud of iTunes

Apple’s CEO has given his support to alternate sexualities but refused to endorse any music player that refuses to sync with other devices. A spokesman for the global corporation admitted: … Continue reading

November 11, 2014 · Leave a comment

11 Nov – A nation remembers where it left last year’s poppy

Recalling the World War I armistice, people of the Commonwealth will observe a minute’s silence, while they scramble around looking for the poppy they accidently paid for in 2002. For … Continue reading

November 10, 2014 · Leave a comment

Caption Competition: Village People re-boot

WINNER: ‘Village People re-boot’ (from Sweetspot6)   This month’s photo come courtesy of: bbc.com DATE: 8th Nov 2014 ‘Mary Quant’s new collection proved  controversial’ (from SmileyMyrus) ‘UN Security Council on … Continue reading

November 10, 2014 · Leave a comment

UK troops leave Afghanistan…for now

British troops, whose moto is ‘I’ll be back!, temporarily handed back control to the Afghan security forces. With all the commitment to withdrawal of a Catholic priest or a boomerang, … Continue reading

November 7, 2014 · Leave a comment

Tory tax avoidance extends to the EU

Prime Minister David Cameron has found himself to be £1.7bn in arrears with the European Union. Unfortunately, the usual Conservative tactics of fiddling inheritance, offshore banking or declaring expenses as … Continue reading

November 6, 2014 · Leave a comment

Ebola doesn’t seem so bad now Miranda has ended‏

UK authorities, having channelled its military resources into combating the threat of BBC sitcoms, have announced a significant victory against the threat of canned laughter. While killer diseases reach pandemic … Continue reading

November 5, 2014 · Leave a comment

Boko Haram breaks speed dating protocols‏

Nigeria’s infamous militant chaperon service has caused an international outcry by ignoring all matchmaking etiquette. Those notorious singletons, Boko Haram, have been attacking villages, abducting the female populace and refusing … Continue reading

November 4, 2014 · Leave a comment

Pregnant Duchess vows to be ready for Spring Watch cameras

Emerging bleary eyed, from her subterranean lair, the Duchess of Cambridge has made her first public appearance since the onset of morning sickness. Royal Bird watchers were delighted to see … Continue reading

November 3, 2014 · Leave a comment

Caption Competition: ‘The Duplo Occupy Wall Street campaign was much more chaotic’

WINNER: ‘The Duplo Occupy Wall Street campaign was much more chaotic’ (from Sinty17)   This month’s photo come courtesy of: bbc.com DATE: 1st Nov 2014 RUNNERS UP: ‘Kevin learned that hallucinogenics … Continue reading

November 2, 2014 · 1 Comment

Sex originated in Scotland and will probably end there

An international team of researchers have concluded that copulation, as we know it, will soon come to a shameful end: ‘…sometime on a Friday night, up against a wheelie bin … Continue reading

October 31, 2014 · 2 Comments

Tories to stop Santa migration by Christmas

David Cameron has announced plans to curb the flood of European migrant workers, specifically 4th-century Greek bishops, from invading our homes. The Prime Minister has promised to apply an ‘emergency … Continue reading

October 30, 2014 · Leave a comment

Top-secret plane returns after two-year mission to avoid TV finales

An unmanned US space plane has landed in California, having completed its task to see if circumventing pop culture references and season ends have any impact on our ability to … Continue reading

October 29, 2014 · Leave a comment

Public mistake The Walking Dead for the media’s Ebola coverage

Seventeen million Americans tuned into the fifth season of AMC’s post-apocalyptic horror show, on the deluded assumption that it was a public information film created by Fox News. As actor … Continue reading

October 28, 2014 · Leave a comment

Mexico relieved to confirm recent mass grave is just a ‘run of the mill’ mass grave

Despite security forces unearthing 28 corpses near Iguala, south of Mexico City, DNA tests prove conclusively that it is ‘…someone else’s problem’. Law enforcement officials breathed a collective sigh of … Continue reading

October 27, 2014 · Leave a comment

Caption Competition: ‘So how high are you right now?’

WINNER: ‘So how high are you right now?’ (from kinginascendent)   This month’s photo come courtesy of: bbc.com DATE: 25th Oct 2014 RUNNERS UP ‘They used to be members of UKIP yer … Continue reading

October 26, 2014 · 2 Comments

Last clothed selfie sent in 2009‏

With hundreds of thousands of naked images being hacked and leaked via forums on ‘4chan’, law enforcement agencies have concluded that 99% of all photos are now of the ‘naked … Continue reading

October 24, 2014 · Leave a comment

Saying ‘Cheryl Cole’ three times will kill you, confirms security firm

Cheryl José de la Concordia García Márquez Ann Fernandez-Versini, or ‘Coley’ for short, has been identified as the UK’s ‘most dangerous online celebrity’. Not only do internet searches for the … Continue reading

October 23, 2014 · Leave a comment

New ‘Dad’s Army’ cast ill-prepared for Ebola storyline

Scriptwriter Hamish McColl has been told that he needs to ‘reboot’ his big-screen remake of the 70’s sitcom, in a way that reflects the perils of modern warfare. To this … Continue reading

October 22, 2014 · 6 Comments

Shia LaBeouf to have his head surgically removed from his arse for next role

While many might balk at Mr. LaBeouf’s ‘Method’ approach to acting, others have applauded his decision to remove the swelling ego that had nestled in his ‘rectum-like cavity’. Not only … Continue reading

October 21, 2014 · Leave a comment

60% of adults admit to nightmares involving Roy Keane’s stony visage

Much of the nation’s bed wetting can now be attributed to the steely glare of the ex-midfielder, scourge of the razor and failed Boyzone auditionee – Mr Roy Keane. Coupled … Continue reading

October 20, 2014 · Leave a comment

Caption Competition: ‘And I am delighted to launch this, my election manifesto’

WINNER: ‘And I am delighted to launch this, my election manifesto’ (from Al OPecia)   This month’s photo come courtesy of: bbc.com DATE: 18th Oct 2014 RUNNERS UP: ‘Our council house building … Continue reading

October 19, 2014 · 4 Comments

Drone strike hits Cameron as he claims to be a ‘friend’ of Afghanistan

The UK Prime Minister was forced to dig himself and the new Afghan President, Ashraf Ghani, out from under a pile rubble – left by the impact of a surgical … Continue reading

October 17, 2014 · Leave a comment

 Striking midwives advise patients to ‘cross their legs and hope’

Imminent industrial action, for the first time in their history, has resulted in The Royal College of Midwives warning expectant parents to avoid primrose oil, spicy foods and ‘…the sensation … Continue reading

October 16, 2014 · Leave a comment

Son of baronet strangely in favour of cuts to inheritance tax‏

In a bold, seemingly unselfish move – George Gideon Oliver Osborne, Chancellor of the Exchequer and co-incidentally the 21st great grandson of King Henry III, promised a packed Tory conference … Continue reading

October 15, 2014 · 4 Comments

Skirt length linked to DLT risk

While nutritionists ponder the direct link between skirt size and breast cancer risk; BBC executives have discovered that there is a direct correlation between hem line and the groping machinations … Continue reading

October 14, 2014 · Leave a comment

New tech allows ‘blood sucking bankers’ to upgrade from metaphor to fact

Barclays’ business customers will now be able to log on by scanning the unique pattern of their veins; or as one banker described it as ‘…the fast track to their … Continue reading

October 13, 2014 · 1 Comment

Caption Competition: ‘And the final couple of tucks were put in here, and now no one suspects that I’m George Dubya’

WINNER: ‘And the final couple of tucks were put in here, and now no one suspects that I’m George Dubya’. (from Al Opecia)   This month’s photo come courtesy of: bbc.com … Continue reading

October 12, 2014 · 6 Comments

White House to erect a second fence to protect the Obama’s allotment

With anti-vegetable sentiment in the US reaching crisis point, the Secret Service has taken the unprecedented step of erecting a protective barrier between public and the First Lady’s ‘prize-winning turnip’. … Continue reading

October 10, 2014 · 7 Comments

UN Climate Meetings are now the greatest source of greenhouse gases

Environmental protesters have demanded urgent action to combat the ‘unheralded level of dissembling chatter’ emanating from New York’s climate summit. Hundreds of thousands of marchers in more than 2,000 locations … Continue reading

October 9, 2014 · 5 Comments

West End debut for the production of Twelve Angry Non-gender Specific He/Shes

In a commitment to addressing inequality, English theatres have agreed to an extensive programme of gender-neutral plays and musicals. Hoping to bolster the number of female actors on stage, London’s … Continue reading

October 8, 2014 · 5 Comments

Ed Miliband enters Mars orbit

Strapped to the undercarriage of NASA’s latest satellite – and buoyed by his euphoric proposal to increase the minimum wage and the child benefit cap – the Labour leader was … Continue reading

October 7, 2014 · 4 Comments

Alex Salmond still thinks he won‏

Seen shuffling around Holyrood, in nothing but a tiara and towelling dressing gown, Mr. Salmond has appeared oblivious to the democratic will of the Scottish people. Speaking to reporters the … Continue reading

October 6, 2014 · Leave a comment

Caption Competition: ‘Cherry pickers get it wrong!’

WINNER:‘Cherry pickers get it wrong!’ (from Pierian Dodo)   This month’s photo come courtesy of: bbc.com DATE: 4th Oct 2014 RUNNERS UP:  ‘Even the aphids are starting to look like … Continue reading

October 5, 2014 · 1 Comment

Couples admit giving CAPTCHA tests more second chances than their marriage‏

While many people claim their commitment to love is as strong as ever, scientists have discovered that our capacity to persevere in the face of cryptic passwords, far outstrips our … Continue reading

October 3, 2014 · Leave a comment

England to release Scottish hostages

Regardless of the outcome of  the Scottish referendum, Prime Minister David Cameron has agreed in principal to release the thousands of Scottish citizens being held in captivity south of the … Continue reading

October 2, 2014 · 6 Comments

Doctors admit clusters ‘bad’ in surgery but ‘good’ in cereal

Advertsing experts and medical professionals are now at loggerheads over the division of adjectives to describe unpleasant illnesses versus moreish wheat-based meals. Some members of the public have been duped … Continue reading

October 1, 2014 · Leave a comment

Irony clears Abu Qatada of all terror charges

Thanks to a team of lawyers and a sharp discrepancy between expected versus actual results; the ‘once-radical’ Muslim cleric was seen skipping from a Jordanian court, bathed in an ‘I … Continue reading

September 30, 2014 · Leave a comment

US stops washing its hands‏

Friends of the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention, in Georgia, have started to take note of a recent decline in personal hygiene and a tendency ‘…to leave broken test … Continue reading

September 29, 2014 · Leave a comment

Caption Competition: ‘Another Tory escapes the Conservative Party’

WINNER: ‘Another Tory escapes the Conservative Party’ (from FasterEddy) This month’s photo come courtesy of: bbc.com DATE: 27th Sept 2014 RUNNERS UP: ‘Huh, and he laughs at my mud face-pack!’ (from Binaround … Continue reading

September 28, 2014 · 1 Comment

Rail fares increased to pay for improved ‘buffet creeps’

Regulated rail prices are set to increase by 3.5% by 2015 in order to subsidize a fleet of inter-city perverts. With sex offences already risen by 21%, Britain’s National Rail … Continue reading

September 26, 2014 · Leave a comment

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