The Truth about Goats
In an attempt to placate all faiths, the Scouting Movement of the UK will now extend their vow to include ‘upholding values’, ‘sucking the devil’s teat’ and ‘listening to black metal’. Promising greater inclusivity, all 536,787 members will swear allegiance to the ‘Prince of Darkness’, while working towards gaining their ‘pentagram badge’ and wearing woggle made from a ‘bat’s hide’.
Wayne Bulpitt, the Scout association’s UK’s chief commissioner, said the move signified its ‘determination to become truly relevant to all sections of society’, including devil worshippers. A Scout Leader confirmed: ‘A ‘Jamboree’ or ‘Black Mass’, as it will now be known, will entail dancing around a bonfire dressed as homunculi, singing about Lucifer and the ritual sacrifice of a cub – so no change there. But ‘bob a job’ week will now incorporate some form of necromancy’.
A spokesman for Michael Gove welcomed this return to ‘core maleficium’ and hoped more free schools would follow their example. Girl Guides must now embrace ‘witchcraft’, Baden-Powell’s words are to be replaced with lurid headlines ‘from the Daily Mail’ and all rope knots will need to be capable of restraining ‘a summoned demon’. To celebrate these changes the Chief Scout, Bear Grylls, has even offered to mate with Mia Farrow in the hope of bringing the ‘cloven-hoofed one’ back to earth.