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Cameron opens EU talks with a raspberry noise

The Prime Minister has begun his discussions with other European leaders, with the bold gambit of pulling his trousers down and inviting spectators to ‘kiss my pink tushie’. Many political … Continue reading

May 28, 2015 · Leave a comment

L’Oréal begins 3D-printing Twiggy

Using replicated human skin, the French cosmetics firm are slowly cloning the 60’s style icon. With state-of-the-art 3-D printing a spokesman said they expect to re-create Twiggy: ‘…from scratch, or … Continue reading

May 27, 2015 · Leave a comment

Cannes finally outlaws short actors

In what is seen as a crackdown on diminutive talent, the 2015 Film Festival has insisted that all women wear heels on the red carpet and that pint-sized men ‘must … Continue reading

May 26, 2015 · 1 Comment

Correction: Bankers NOT imprisoned‏

It has come to our attention, that a typographical error may have given a false impression that employees at the world’s five largest banks are facing trial as a result … Continue reading

May 25, 2015 · Leave a comment

Caption Competition: ‘Maybe if I rub my hands together, the Magic Genie of the Podium will give me the majority?’

WINNER: ‘Maybe if I rub my hands together, the Magic Genie of the Podium will give me the majority?’ (from Karen Nehilla)   This month’s photo come courtesy of: bbc.com DATE: 23rd … Continue reading

May 24, 2015 · 2 Comments

England, Northern Ireland and Wales cedes to Scotland

Following frank and open discussions between David Cameron and the SNP Leader, Nicola Sturgeon, it has been agreed that Britain will be dismantled and absorbed into a devolved Scotland. The … Continue reading

May 21, 2015 · 2 Comments

New laws to tackle tolerance

In a decisive move, the Prime Minister has set out proposals to confront the evil forces of clemency undermining society. By weeding out the root cause of all radicalism – … Continue reading

May 20, 2015 · Leave a comment

Jedis still outnumber Nuns

Despite reaching a 25 year recruitment high, sadly 45 Nuns are somewhat dwarfed by the several hundred thousand UK citizens declaring their commitment to the Force in the 2011 census. … Continue reading

May 19, 2015 · Leave a comment

Gove to academize Prisons

David Cameron’s first instruction to Michael Gove, his most significant appointment of his new Cabinet, is to unleash George Eliot’s ‘Middlemarch’ upon unsuspecting prison inmates. Thanks to Mr. Gove’s previous … Continue reading

May 18, 2015 · Leave a comment

Caption Competition: ‘No. 10 Argyle St. doesn’t have the same ambiance, does it?’

WINNER: ‘No. 10 Argyle St. doesn’t have the same ambiance, does it?’ (from Karen Nehilla)   This month’s photo come courtesy of: bbc.com DATE: 16th May 2015 RUNNERS UP ‘Nicola Sturgeon … Continue reading

May 17, 2015 · 2 Comments

Scanning reveals a third of Election promises are empty

By exploring Egypt’s bogus mummy industry, the University of Manchester has stumbled across the discovery that a significant number of manifesto pledges were just ‘bundles of cloth, filled with mud … Continue reading

May 14, 2015 · Leave a comment

Unforeseen typo sees Egypt jail Morrissey

In one of the great mistrials of the century, the moody singer has been wrongly imprisoned for his role in the arrest and torture of protesters. Through a clerical error, … Continue reading

May 13, 2015 · Leave a comment

Most emails now delivered by van

In a shocking waste of resources, figures released today suggest that £103bn of online shopping has fuelled a boom in transit sales. Rather than use virtual means to buy and … Continue reading

May 12, 2015 · Leave a comment

Tory Majority leaves Newcastle Utd without a new manager

Much to the frustration of voters and Alan Shearer, the General Election has failed to resolve the problems of the ailing Premiership club. No one Political Party wants to take … Continue reading

May 11, 2015 · Leave a comment

Caption Competition: ‘The Election frontrunner was always going to be a ball sack’

WINNER: ‘The Election frontrunner was always going to be a ball sack’ (from Melchies9)   This month’s photo come courtesy of: bbc.com DATE: 9th May 2015 RUNNERS UP: ‘Ed Miliband … Continue reading

May 10, 2015 · Leave a comment

Early exits suggest that the majority of votes will be ironic

Rather than marking their ballot with an ‘X’, most voters will be opting this year for some sort of scribbled profanity or a more traditional ‘cock and balls’. Polls are … Continue reading

May 8, 2015 · 2 Comments

Only the threat of prison can keep me honest, claims Cameron‏

In a refreshing admission of duplicity, the Prime Minister has said that a law should be passed to ensure the Conservative party sticks to its promises after the General Election. … Continue reading

May 7, 2015 · 2 Comments

Voters have 48 hours left to touch me, cautions Clegg

In a stark warning to the British electorate, the Deputy Prime Minister has made it clear that we have only two days left to ‘run our fingers through his hair’. … Continue reading

May 6, 2015 · Leave a comment

SUBWAY® Staff braced for extra cheese on four nuclear subs‏

In what fine-diners are describing as the ‘ultimate in fast food deterrents’, the Conservative Party has committed to extending its nuclear arsenal by £34bn ‘because it comes with a free … Continue reading

May 5, 2015 · Leave a comment

£500m drugs bust is going to make the General Election a lot less tolerable

While the National Crime Agency (NCA) has heralded the North Sea seizure as the UK’s biggest, most of the electorate will now have to face polling day without the cushioning … Continue reading

May 4, 2015 · Leave a comment

Caption Competition: ‘Tonight you sleep with the Lib-Dems’

WINNER: ‘Tonight you sleep with the Lib-Dems’ (from Maharg Smith)   This month’s photo come courtesy of: bbc.com DATE: 2nd May 2015 RUNNERS UP: ‘An eel for an heel!’ (from Inchcock) … Continue reading

May 3, 2015 · 3 Comments

Hard Working Families to be given extra votes

Now that the entire General Election revolves around glowing generalities, a cross-party committee of MPs has agreed that greater representation should be given to positive, abstract concepts. So with the … Continue reading

April 30, 2015 · Leave a comment

Tories threaten to finish what they started‏

Buoyed by an endorsement from representatives of 5,000 small businesses, the Conservative Party has pledged to put a ‘food bank on every street corner’. Not content with four years of … Continue reading

April 29, 2015 · Leave a comment

Wikipedia reveals Grant Shapps as the next Spiderman

Despite denying his involvement in secretly altering Wikipedia, the Conservative Party chairman has struggled to explain some of the more hyperbolic entries on his biography. Not only is he attributed … Continue reading

April 28, 2015 · 2 Comments

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