The Truth about Goats
Stockholm police say they have found evidence of self-doubt on board a tour bus used by pop singer Justin Bieber.
The discovery of the Class A ennui had left officers ‘shocked and dismayed,’ said a police spokesman: ‘Naturally when investigating an attempted musician, you expect a certain amount of anti-social behaviour…drugs, Russell Brand in a gimp suit or even an exhausted goat…but nothing could prepare us for what we found aboard the Beliebermobile.’
When officers raided the empty bus, they discovered a concealed room devoid of mirrors containing assorted acne creams, self-help guides and a collection of poems about self-harm.
This comes after the revelation that only 17.8 million (of his 37.3 million Belieber followers) are linked to real accounts. Soon afterwards, during his London leg of tour, the Canadian singer was heard mumbling into his microphone while faking breathing difficulties and lying motionless on stage after one routine. Fans attest to hearing a set of barely audible existential questions: ‘Why I am here?’ ‘Why wouldn’t Anne Frank love me? ‘What is Canada?’