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Emoticons™ file for bankruptcy

As a result of recent high profile litigations and libel rulings, the Emoticons™ have been forced to cease trading as of today. From this point on, all sentences will end with an abrupt exclamation mark (!) to ensure clarity of statement. Laughter will only be expressed verbally, as both LOL and ROFL have been forced into an early retirement. 

English: hihi Português: oioi

I have no idea what this means. Falling? Seasick? Suicide?Answers on a postcard (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Emoticons™ have long figured in literature as a handy pictorial representation of a facial expression, receiving a small fee every time they were used. City analysts have calculated that at their peak (during one particularly heated text-based conversation between two teenage girls from Brighton in 2009), Emoticons™ were trading at £ 75 per share on  FTSE 100 index.

The Official Receiver issued this statement: “The Courts have ruled that a ‘nod’ really is as good as a ‘wink”. With sub-text, innuendo and irony now under the purview of the High Court, there may be further liquidations involving celebrity assets. These will include  Roger Moore’s eyebrows, the twinkle in Terry Wogan’s eye and Frankie Howard’s entire career.”

There is a wider concern that litigations will extend to other forms of  metacommunication. One semiotics expert explained: “It’s unfortunate, but the fact remains that the public no longer judge you on what you say but the way you say it. We’ve had many Labour leaders who have said the right words; but would you trust Ed Milliband’s insincere nasal twang? Gordon Brown’s evil eye? Tony Blair’s vampiric grin? Whereas, George Osborne may talk sh*te but his podgy expressionless face is positively cherubic . Boris Johnson is one long stream of unintelligible rubbish, but everyone loves a gonk.”

The UK has some of the most repressive libel laws in the world and has long been a target for wealthy “libel tourists”. An Emoticons™  spokesmen said: “(?_?) and (>//<),” followed by “(Ç_Ç).”

By @Wrenfoe


4 comments on “Emoticons™ file for bankruptcy

  1. Lindy Moone
    May 27, 2013

    Sorry, had to deduct one star for poor proofreading. I believe “irony now under the under” should be “irony now over the over”; there should be two spaces before the period after “cherubic”, not one, and besides, you completely avoided the use of ALL CAPS. HOW COULD ANYONE THINK THEY WOULD GET AWAY WITH THAT? HUH?

    I believe that “Saint”-like stick figure is the international symbol for “another one bites the dust.”


  2. Lindy Moone
    May 27, 2013

    How much did that pirated emoticon cost you?

    BTW, I’m not stalking you (much). Just procrastinating re my WIP… and re some beta reading I ought to be doing… and re blogging. I have an extremely offensive post waiting in the wings. I know I shouldn’t post it, but can’t seem to write anything else.

    Plus I seem to be stuck to my chair.


  3. Pingback: An Open Letter to all the Biddies in #LOVE | I Prefer Heels

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