The Truth about Goats
Despite recent online glitches, RBS has decided to roll out the android version of their “Food Bank” App. Customers will be able to log in to the nearest stockpile of unwanted canned goods, and download the appropriate food stamp.
Stephen Hester, Group CEO, admitted that RBS had failed miserably to weather the recent economic storms: “The biggest growth areas in the UK are hunger and poverty, we’d be silly not to invest in them,” he said “There are potentially half a million new customers who regularly use Food Banks. Once they have signed up to RBS, I can see no reason why we can not get them to save with our high yield accounts and purchase from our range of mortgages.”
RBS are hoping to have an IPhone compatible version later this month, where customers can drool over the livestock on offer in Angry Birds. There were some concerns that an earlier beta version of Candy Crush might lead to literal crush, but so far the starving masses have shown a degree of self control.
A week ago, RBS announced that it was cutting 1,400 jobs in its retail arm and investing in “large mounds of pig swill” moving investment into “things that matter most to customers”. An Oxfam spokesmen claimed: “There’s been a 470% rise in visits to Food Banks and a doubling in demand. We’d strongly advise you to buy shares in ‘Destitution™’ as quickly as possible.”