The Truth about Goats
In an unprecedented move to avoid future litigation, Mark Zuckerberg announced that he would be asking for forgiveness across a range of sexual exploitation issues. Having already apologised to the “Everyday Sexism Project” over various “hate” posts, the Facebook CEO felt that it was best to show contrition for Japan’s use of military brothels in WW2.
“Technically Facebook came into existence 60 years after sex slaves were abused,” explained a Facebook spokesman. “But given our recent bad press on feminist issues, our PR department advised us to get ahead of the story. Let’s be honest, we’re got a huge pile of money – that does tend to attract criticism like flies on sh*t.”
Despite one billion members, the Social Network is ironically renowned for the socially awkward behaviour of its staff. Marne Levine, Facebook’s vice president of Global Public Policy, added: “Most of our Executives did not have girlfriends until their late 20s; they are pretty clueless when it comes to offending women. What they are though, is painfully aware they are sitting on $100 billion – so better safe than sorry.”
The company has agreed to change its motto to “mea maxima culpa”. Facebook will also be apologizing for the “Thong Song”, every episode of “Top Gear” and Russell Brand’s penis.