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“Infant Kardashian hailed as the Second Coming”


Theologians and people of all faiths were united in religious ecstasy at the confirmation that a child of God had been born in a simple, wooden Los Angeles hospital. As predicted (and thanks to Twitter) the event was known instantaneously and worldwide – “for as the lightning comes from the east and flashes to the west, so will a Reality TV star be born in that west” [Matthew 24:27]. 

Kim Kardashian at the Seventh Annual Hollywood...

Shrines to Kim have already been erected in the bedrooms of teenage boys around the world (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Academics were somewhat surprised that the prophecies had not mentioned that the gender of the child would be female, but they were satisfied that her earthly parents were both a humble man and a virgin bride. Post-birth Kim Kardashian has accepted gifts of gold, myrrh and a year’s subscription to ‘Heat’ magazine. Already, transcripts of her 2003 sex tape are being transposed onto papyrus and painstakingly translated into Aramaic. “Keeping Up With the Kardashians’ will now replace the King James Bible as being Michael Gove’s text of choice for all secondary schools.

Sometimes called the Parousia, the Second Coming will also herald a series of clothing ranges which worshippers have described as simply “divine”. Matthew 24:31 predicted God “…will send His angels with a great sound of a trumpet…”, specifically Kanye West’s upcoming album; unsurprisingly titled “Yeezus”. There will now be an era of world peace and an end to all oppression, except in the case of Taylor Swift. “Nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall man learn war anymore.” [Isaiah 2:4] thanks to a new, exotic range of fragrances.

Religious leaders confirmed the legitimacy of the claim and promised to put aside their differences with one unified church. However, Pope Francis’ speech to a packed St. Peter’s Square was interrupted by an ebullient Mr.West: “Sorry your Holiness, I’ll let you finish. But Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time! One of the best videos of all time!”

by @Wrenfoe

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5 comments on ““Infant Kardashian hailed as the Second Coming”

  1. Lindy Moone
    June 17, 2013

    This made the Front Page at NewsBiscuit. I’m feeling smug on your behalf. Don’t know why, just like the word smug.

    Like

    • Wrenfoe
      June 17, 2013

      Smugness seems a highly appropriate response and word 😀

      Like

  2. Lindy Moone
    June 17, 2013

    Heh heh, “Smeg-for-brains” becomes “Smug-for-brains”, and all is right with the world. (I may have to rename my blog “Smug-for-brains”.)

    Like

  3. globalexplorer1
    June 17, 2013

    As a current resident of Los Angeles where the young ‘miracle of life’ took place, I can share that, following the birth announcement, a caravan from the east was reported which had traffic backed up on local freeways for hours. LAPD has a BOLO for three wise men. So far no one has turned up matching that description. TV cameras caught the happy parents as they emerged from the hospital near Mt. Sinai. Experts claimed the blessed mother’s fashion apparel was ‘immaculately conceived.’ The proud father was later reported seen in Washington State where it is now legal to hand out marijuana cigars.

    This witness has informed numerous locals that this Second Coming could signal The Apocalypse, to which the most common response was, “What date is the premier?” Sister Khloe commented, “The Apocalypse – isn’t that the one in Athens?”

    Like

    • Wrenfoe
      June 17, 2013

      ROFL! An excellent addition to the story, Mike.

      Like

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