The Truth about Goats
Not content with halving the UK’s Trident submarine fleet, Lib Dems are proposing a whole scale reduction in all things thematically linked to the Greek pantheon. Henceforth the God of the Sea will only be permitted a solitary prong as opposed to his customary three-way poke.
Conservative Ministers have already expressed a preference for a sea-born rapid response nuclear deterrent, but even they have struggled to justify the expense of a bearded giant, wielding a “fancy pitch fork”. Poseidon has been working hard to prove his usefulness tackling seasonal jellyfish infestations in the Mediterranean, but Lib Dems remain unconvinced that he provides value for money.
Defence Secretary Philip Hammond explained that the use of Poseidon’s trident was for the next “60-years” to defend against the threat of the Titans return and against a laverbread shortage. Meantime other deities have be affected by the cut backs. Hermes, messenger of the gods, is to be sold off as part of the Royal Mail privatization. Michael Gove has already made it clear that Athena, goddess of wisdom, is not welcome at the Department for Education. Worse still, Hades will be put in charge of patient care at Stafford Hospital.
There has been some controversy as Artemis (goddess of the hunt, wilderness and young girls) has been caught up in the ongoing Stuart Hall investigation. While officers involved in Operation Yewtree would like to speak to an elderly gentlemen last seen clutching his “lightning rod”, who has a penchant for dressing up as a swan and ravishing young girls.
Not all Classical Gods have struggled to make efficiency gains explained a government spokesman: “Apollo has become an integral part of Google’s search engine. Aphrodite has produced her own Ann Summers range. While Dionysus, god of parties and festivals, runs a portaloo franchise at Glastonbury”
by @Wrenfoe & Not Amused (from the Newsbiscuit Writers’ Room)