The Truth about Goats
The British online company plans to diversify and offer unsecured ‘high cost salvation’. Boss, Errol Damelin, welcomed the Most Reverend Justin Welby’s recent decision to offer payday loans but explained that “competition” cuts both ways. Customers will have the opportunity to offload short term guilt but that will be set against the risk of eternal damnation.
While the Church of England plans to assist non-profit lenders, Wonga hopes to offer a range of services traditionally reserved for organised religion. A spokesmen for the firm offered an example: “With our ‘high interest burial service’, the corpse will be hurled into an old quarry. If lucky, natural subsidence will cover the remains. For those unlucky few, the rats will finish off the rest.”
One customer expressed some dissatisfaction with Wonga’s “quickie marriage package”: “Initially I was taken to a warehouse, with a bag on my head,” complained the would-be groom. “I was then told to chose from three ‘gender unspecific’ brides that they had locked in the next room. I just picked a number randomly. What could I do? I’m now married to a short-haired goat called ‘Keith’. He’s eating me out of house and home!”
Wonga’s Head of Marketing tried to put things in perspective: “The payday industry is worth £2bn but the salvation market is much more lucrative. I admit that our loans have had default rates of around 50%, but the Archbishop of Canterbury has only had a 16% success rate in helping customers into heaven. We feel we could offer an affordable alternative and if someone defaults on their soul, does anyone really care?”