The Truth about Goats
Not content with banning Elijah Wood movies, the New Zealand “Parks & Wildlife Commission” plan to exterminate the Halfling pest once and for all. First introduced to the country hidden in the beard of Peter Jackson, these fur-footed homunculi have devastated farmland, dug up crazy golf courses and molested kiwis.
Initially seen as a “cute” household pets, New Zealanders soon grew tired of the creature raiding the fridge, rubbing up against their legs and picking fights with possums. Frustratingly Australians have successfully cross-bred Hugh Jackman with Russell Crowe to create a highly desirable beef steak; whereas raw Martin Freeman is gristly, high in fat and smells of feet. Attempts to create a pedigree version were stymied by a lubricant shortage and a general reluctance on the part of Lucy Lawless.
Conservationists originally hoped this short pest could be humanly tranquilized and released into the wild. Unfortunately left to their own devices hobbits breed like rats and often with rats. The subsequent population explosion has seen the landscape inundated with tourists and fake west country accents. These curly-headed gluttons are impervious to the poisoned mushrooms used to bate them and most pesticides were happily devoured as “elevenses”.
Seen as “injurious to the public good”, hobbits have also been blamed for the spread of thrush, shingles and “brewer’s droop”. Hunting licenses have now been issued with the express intent of using their skins to manufacture rugby balls. And in the absence of the hobbit’s natural predator, the goblin, New Zealanders are hoping that the Australian Embassy will grant permission to unleash Mel Gibson.