The Truth about Goats
In an act of contrition a Mr. N.Kendall has agreed to undergo a series of medieval tasks to make amends for the disappointment that is Nick Clegg. Having loyally voted for the Lib Dems in numerous local and general elections, Mr. Kendall was the first to admit to being “screwed with his pants on”. Wearing sackcloth and ashes, this guilt-ridden voter will be touring local constituencies encouraging the electorate to hurl rotten vegetables at him to aid the process of repentance.
“Nick’s never going to stop starring at his own reflection long enough to apologize,” explained Mr. Kendall. “But someone should! We used to be the good guys. Libertarian values, supporters of the public sector and the environment. Charles Kennedy was a drunk but at least he was a kindly drunk. We now look like a bunch of sycophants, rubbing the dispatch box with the perverse glee of a Nazgul on crystal meth. We’ve become the Richard Hammond to the Tory’s Jeremy Clarkson!”
Lib Dem activists have mentioned a growing suspicion that the party logo is looking less like a “bird of freedom” and more like “an aspiring maggot”. Promises to keep Conservative machinations minimized have not materialized. Mr. Kendall complained: “Tory-lite is just diluted bilge. Even a watered-down version still tastes like surrender. We’ve made sure the Proportional Representation issue is redundant; as no one in their right mind is going to vote for us again”. Mr. Kendall had previously offered to flagellate and self-crucify himself, but with the Lib Dems undermining the NHS he couldn’t be sure to receive appropriate medical care.