The Truth about Goats
In a move that has created zero impact in the Twitter world but significant surprise in the Intelligence gathering community, the NSA’s data mining program has ceased to monitor the multi-award winning comedian. An artist of Mr. Gervais’ stature should have been a prime candidate for electronic surveillance, but PRISM operatives felt the Gervais’ stream of consciousness was far too impersonal.
“In retrospect it was probably an error to kill Bin Laden and Cory Monteith; because when we signed up we didn’t have anyone to tweet with,” explained one of PRISM’s anonymous geeks. “However, Twitter helpfully provides a directory of insightful, witty and wise individuals to follow – or ‘celebrities’ as they are otherwise known. Gervais was top of the list; which is hardly surprising given his body of work. It was very exciting. We’ve written a few skits, nothing on the scale of The Office, but we thought we could get a few pointers from Ricky. Imagine our astonishment when we realised 5 million other people were following him! Do the math. We like math. There’s no way Ricky was ever going to chat back.”
Further revelations have led NSA chiefs to deduce that many, if not all, Twitter celebrities are not interested in the opinions of others and are only there to self-promote products which are not selling in the real world. Earlier this month, PRISM had cancelled their Facebook account concluding there was no way a group of “whining narcissists” would have any secrets worth knowing. There is now a growing concern that social media may not be the rich source of “anti-terror intel” that was once assumed.
“Ever since we caught Edward Snowden ‘sexting’ our follow list, we’ve started to question the motives and real identity of those behind certain twitter accounts.” said a spokesmen for the NSA. “Katy Perry makes 1 tweet per 8000 followers! Where’s the love? That’s not a relationship. I’m surprised she even noticed that Russell Brand had dumped her by text. While Mr. Gervais has probably outsourced the running of his tweets to some kid on ‘workfare’ who has an obsession with baiting people of faith.”