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The Truth about Goats

“Cairo ‘massacre’ to be referred to as a ‘LG product launch'”

Diplomats in Washington were left in the unenviable position of finding a label for the murder of supporters of the deposed President Morsi. Having already defined Egypt’s Military Coup D’Etat as ‘blue sky democracy’, the Obama administration needs a phrase that requires no intervention and implies no criticism. Fortuitously promotional stunts for LG Electronics often result in hospitalization, the perfect synergy of ‘capitalism, BB guns and knives’.

1984 - iPhone Background

…and Democracy is Here. (Photo credit: Patrick Hoesly)

The Pentagon (or the ‘Ministry of Peace’ as it is known) released this statement: ‘During a perfectly innocent race to grab G2 smartphone vouchers, hanging from helium balloons, a few hundred Egyptians had a convergence with a bullet-based interface. Democratically-imbued tanks then provided a symbiosis between human flesh and an Aggressive Tread Pattern’.

The Egyptian interior ministry said security forces were taking ‘necessary measures’ which did not include tear gas or bullets but might involve ‘ocular watering vapor’ and ‘metallic projectile pacifiers’. The ministry was keen ‘not to shed any Egyptian blood’ but was happy to ‘sprinkle North African sanguine fluid’.

‘Perception is everything,’ remarked one military observer. ”Friendly Fire’ sounds so much better than ‘Incompetent homicide’. If you’re sitting on oil, you’re an ‘evil dictator’ but if you’re just sitting on sand you’re a ‘freedom fighter’. I say potato, you say ‘massacre”. A Pentagon spokesmen denied that George Orwell’s estate is said to be considering suing the US for copyright infringement.

by @Wrenfoe



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