The Truth about Goats
UCAS has confirmed a late application for a Music Technology BSc at the University of Bedfordshire. Wary that fickle fame might desert them, the Anglo-Irish pop band admitted they needed to get ‘serious’ after a ‘very enjoyable’ gap year. However, UCAS administrators had some reservations about the number of tariff points accumulated from the boys’ scant collection of mediocre GCSE’s, used panties and coloured bits of string.
Family of the band expressed relief that the boys were starting to ‘grow up’ and ‘take responsibility’. ‘Who knows,’ said one sibling. ‘After three years at university they might be able to secure a job in the music industry’. Obviously this means that Niall and Zayn will be quitting their part-time jobs at Halfords, Liam and Louis will be withdrawing their application to McDonalds and Harry no longer needs to participate in clinical trials at ‘Monkey World’.
The band has opted for an unconventional ‘joint’ UCAS submission, in the hope that they will have enough Alevels between the five of them. ‘A 92 minute documentary is an unusual format for an application,’ admitted an UCAS spokeswoman. ‘ And as personal statements go, ‘This is Us’ is a relatively short CV and contains no reference to work experience, Duke of Edinburgh awards or the obligatory inspirational work of literature’.
The 1D boys admitted that their original application for a medical degree course was perhaps ‘overreaching things’ and that the lyrics to ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ were no substitute for Alevels in Biology and Chemistry. That said, they were looking forward to the challenge of varsity life and meeting girls ‘our own age’. ‘This is unreal,’ said singer Harry Styles, happy that completing the UCAS process online ensured that his collection of crayons were not depleted. All five listed their next of kin as ‘Simon Cowell’, although it was unclear if he had inseminated each of their mothers or relied on his stock pile of ‘Louis Walsh juice’.