The Truth about Goats
Although the short list for the 2014 annual arts prize is still to be announced, the vandalized remains of the ‘yet to be built’ Margaret Thatcher statue is guaranteed to triumph. Organisers are aiming to raise £200,000 for an effigy of the late Prime Minister to be placed in Grantham and to act as a focal point for graffiti artists, miners and anyone with a social conscience.
The ‘shit-stained’ bronze will have abusive text scrawled across it by citizens made illiterate, embittered and malnourished during Thatcher’s period as Education Secretary. The Foreign Office has agreed that the Argentine Ambassador can fortnightly hit her with a ‘polo mallet’ in exchange for dropping their claim to the Falkland Islands. While religious and atheist groups have decided that the final proof ‘for or against’ divine existence will be determined by whether the statue is ‘struck by lightning’.
The Lincolnshire town is braced for an influx of tourists, furious trade unionists and medieval villagers armed with pitchforks, shouting ‘burn the beast’. Visitors to Grantham Museum have increased by about 300%, with 3,000 people having signed a books of condolence and only 62% of those used the phrase ‘lol’. One curator explained. ‘While the Turner Prize has often proved controversial and not always an accurate barometer of artistic values, everyone can get behind the idea of hurling faeces at the Baroness. Her funeral cost £1.2m to stage, which people of all persuasions agree was worth every penny. Although I think some people would have opted for a much earlier date’.