Flibbertigibbet News

The Truth about Goats

‘Cameron ‘out sources’ Syrian conflict to al-Qaeda’


In a triumph of capitalism, the Government has come up with a novel solution to the over-stretching of the UK’s armed forces. Having put the entire North Africa campaign ‘out to tender’, Prime Minister Cameron was ‘pleasantly surprised’ that the cheapest quote came from a group of ‘free market’, militant Islamists – who list the CIA as a previous employer.

Twickenham United Kingdom

Discount warfare will be available in the high street (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

An MoD spokesmen explained: ‘It is a well known fact that the public sector is riddled with inefficiency. We plan to help Britain’s 200,000 servicemen and women, with the same ‘down-scaling’ we applied to the 200,000 people once employed by the Coal industry. In turn, al-Qaeda offers an affordable, psychotic and deregulated alternative – that even Liam Fox can support. And goodness knows, since the awkward 2011 ‘bin Laden incident’ they could really use the cash!’

Tory Ministers were delighted that the private sector can discharge all aspects of the conflict at a mere 350% of what nationalized industries would have charged. G4S will incarcerate enemy combatants and offer consolation nectar points for anyone wrongfully imprisoned, tortured or killed. BUPA will cover all combat injuries, provided they fall under the categories of appendicitis, Botox injections and breast enlargement. While the Royal Mail has agreed to return all casualties in jiffy bags to a local depot for collection.

One Tory confessed: ‘Quite frankly we’ve been ill served by those public sector layabouts stationed in Afghanistan. They’re always bleating on about ‘lack of equipment’, ‘ethical boundaries’ and ‘putting lives before oil’. These al-Qaeda chappies have no such qualms’.

The ‘customer’ will also be given a ‘wider choice’ of fatality. Syrians will be enrolled on a ‘pay per bullet’ scheme with various levels of subscription – Basic (Beheading), Standard (Shoe Bomb) or Platinum (Syrian Passenger Jet). The MoD spokesman confirmed: ‘We’ve got the Royal Bank of Scotland handling the finance, ATOS the intelligence gathering and A4e the residual guilt. Ironically al-Qaeda are looking the most reliable of the lot’.

By @Wrenfoe & Al OPecia (From the Newsbiscuit Writers’ Room)

Advertisements

3 comments on “‘Cameron ‘out sources’ Syrian conflict to al-Qaeda’

  1. Pingback: If intervention is the chosen solution, what is the most suitable course of action in Syria? | A Wonderful World

  2. Mike Lince
    August 29, 2013

    ‘a wider choice of fatality’… By Jove, I think you’ve got it! Who could disagree with letting the free market system determine the best means of eradicating combatants? Brilliant!

  3. Wrenfoe
    August 29, 2013

    It’s all about the freedom 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Prize Winners

Our readers described Flibbertigibbet News as ..."only slightly less accurate than the Daily Mail"(Dizzychick84) ..."clearly under-appreciated" (Sean Smithson)..."Half man, half goat. All Comedy"(JizzOSmith)..."the best reason for smirking at work" (DavidHollands) and ..."clearly an elaborate internet phishing scam!"(XangChek12)

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive FREE notifications of new posts by email.

Join 536 other followers

Blog Stats

  • 32,915 fumbles

Follow Wrenfoe on Twitter

By

Award Winning

Reader Review

"It takes a sick and yet highly evolved mind to fully grasp the sophistication of your humor. I tried to explain this to my wife, who thought I was having convulsions as I lay on the floor laughing." (Mike Lince)

Flib Zealots

Reformation (play script)

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2014

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2013

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2015

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2016

%d bloggers like this: