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‘Congress warned – all the ‘cool war names’ will be taken’

President Obama has cautioned that further delays on Syrian intervention will seriously restrict the Pentagon’s choice of ‘military monikers’. Unscrupulous ‘patent trolls’ have already reserved the names and web addresses for ‘Operation: Syria Slap Down’, ‘Operation: Nothing better to do’ and the preferred ‘Operation: Recover the weapons we sold them’.

English: Aboard USS Peleliu (LHA 5) Nov. 4, 20...

Every bomb has its own name – cute! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

‘We all know the problems associated with rushing to pick a name,’ explained a Pentagon spokesman. ‘Operation Just Cause’ to remove Noriega was too ironic, ‘Operation Iraqi Liberation’ (OIL) sounded like a Freudian slip and ‘Operation: Enduring Freedom’ just wasn’t. We’ve been advised that ‘Operation: North West’ has already been taken by Kanye & Kim, Katie Hopkins has already ruled out ‘Operation: Liberate Syria’ as its named after a place and Jay-Z has said ‘no’ to anything ‘with a hyphen”.

Congress faces ‘legalised extortion’ from ‘patent trolls’ if US troops are to avoid going into battle under the copyright-free names of ‘Operation: Woolen Mitten’, ‘Operation: Spatula’ or the awe-inspiring ‘Operation: Root canal’. Even the word ‘Operation’ may already be owned by toy manufacturer Hasbro. The President may be forced into employing mime artists to depict the conflict. The only hope is that the Syrian campaign involves a man stuck in a box, drinking a cup of tea while grabbing a rope.

by @Wrenfoe

4 comments on “‘Congress warned – all the ‘cool war names’ will be taken’

  1. Lindy Moone
    September 2, 2013

    This is brilliant. Two things, though. I didn’t understand this:

    “…has already ruled out ‘Operation: Liberate Syria’ as its named after a place …”

    and I didn’t get the punchline, maybe a Brit reference? Cameron? Too obscure for this dumb Yank, but no problemo.:
    “…a man stuck in a box, drinking a cup of tea while grabbing a rope.”

    (I didn’t see this on Newsbiscuit. Haven’t had time to spend over there lately. Did it make the FP?)


  2. Mike Lince
    September 2, 2013

    You have inspired me to start a War Name Contest. We are bound to pick up a few goodies if the U.S. Defense Department is willing to put up a small finder’s fee for the winners. I think ‘Syrian Sandstorm’ is already taken, but I would be will to part with ‘Operation: Chemical Clean-up.’


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