The Truth about Goats
The self styled renaissance man has threatened to repatriate if immigration in the UK continues to fall. In a stark warning, the ex-footballer said that although England had passed its ‘sell by date’ he would return if migrant levels were curbed. Although Jones, ironically, had no qualms about faking Welsh nationality to play International football – badly.
The net gain to British culture since Mr. Jones relocated to L.A. has been considerable. A swath of ‘straight to video’ puerile hogwash has been avoided, there has been an absence of festering anecdotes about the ‘crazy gang’ and Paul Gasgoigne’s pickled genitals have been unmolested. Not that the Americans have been grateful for his extended stay. Best known for his role in ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ – they only wish he was. Even the Tories have ‘dodged a bullet’ as, like most members of the public with multiple convictions for assault, Mr. Jones had aspired to be a Conservative MP.
Sadly Jones has had to live with a debilitating form of dyslexia which makes him unable to read airport signs or tickets. As he admitted: ‘If you landed at Heathrow you wouldn’t have a clue where you were’. Most British people are oddly unsentimental about the ‘violent half wit’. Unfairly type cast as the perennial thug, film critics have strangely overlooked his subtle 2003 portrayal of ‘Lady Bracknell’ in the remake of Wilde’s ‘The Importance of Earnest – bitch!’.
Naturally the UK Government has reacted by offering two million homes in Watford to a grateful flood of disposed Syrians.