The Truth about Goats
While software developers have used the Ordnance Survey map to prove conclusively that the Divine Being based our world on a Minecraft server, the occupants of ‘Earth 2.0’ have become increasingly concerned that the ‘survival settings’ may be a ‘tad too high’. In a month of suicide bombings, deadly mudslides, mall massacres and the obligatory US gun-spree – life is looking less like ‘co-operative creative’ play and more like a ‘hardcore PvP’ environment.
As yet ‘The Artist Formerly Known as Yaweh’ has neither confirmed nor denied a failure to check the settings before the launch of the ‘almost-virtual’ planet. However, alarm bells should have rung when the first player to invent a rudimentary ‘pick axe’ used the implement to go on a serial-killing binge rather than construct a communal shelter. Minecraft boss Markus “Notch” Persson has confessed that ‘Sky Fairy’s’ man-made monsters are significantly more threatening than any ‘Creeper or Enderman’. Notch’s game offers regular content updates of fantastical creatures, but God has kept Earth as a vanilla-version for fear that players would either hunt a unicorn into extinction, turn it into a handbag or try to mate with it.
The ‘Cosmic Curtain Twitcher’ has suggested the majority of the blame for the difficulty settings lies with the players. As one Prophet commentated: ‘You were supposed to explore subterranean chambers for valuable resources, not use industrialized fracking! We give you all this ‘red stone’ and the best you can come up with is an iPhone5. And the Hs2 is just a waste of minecrafts’. Instead of developing renewable energy and animal husbandry, players seem more inclined to rob one another or mug harmless villagers. More puzzling still, is the phenomenon that fundamentalist players continually to rush to the ‘Endgame’ despite the fact the ‘Netherworld’ is filled with lava and that there is a ‘freakin’ dragon’.
There were initial hopes that players would embrace a ‘beautiful environment of limitless possibilities’ rather than spend their time ‘ganking’ the first person they ran into. Unfortunately players have made such a mess of the environment that the ‘Invisible Puppeteer’ may be forced to ‘reboot’ the whole of creation. While most theologians agree that Grand Theft Auto 5 is the work of the Devil, it is still a solo game – only ‘God’s server’ offers a truly ‘multi-player dystopian nightmare’. As one gamer said: ‘The graphics may be old school but at least you don’t have to log on Steam™ to play it.’