The Truth about Goats
The BBC Trust has said that CBBC and Cbeebies should extend their programming beyond 19:00, to target the nocturnal needs of a younger generation craving late night depictions of ’graphic nudity’, ‘strong language’ and ‘talking teddy bears’. ‘Naturally there will be many challenges to overcome’, said one BBC executive. ‘Not least of which, is how to depict on-screen violence through the medium of ‘play dough’’.
The UK’s children are now unable to sleep due to the hyperactive nature of CBBC presenters, a diet of sugary processed food and the abolition of good parenting in the 1980s. The word ‘bedtime’ has become synonymous with a 24hr cycle of booze, drugs and pull-up nappies. Some critics are concerned that moving from 19:00 is another step in sexualizing the young – with ‘64 Zoo Lane’ becoming the more adult-themed and rather bestial ‘69 Zoo Lane’, extended footage of Holly Willoughby for those who were bottle fed, and ‘Blue Peter’ being just that.
Current favourites will be rebooted into an adult format. ‘In The Night Garden’ will star Olivia Coleman as an angst ridden detective investigating the gruesome killing of Igglepiggle involving The Pontipines, The Ninky Nonk and large jar of Vaseline. ‘Old Jack’s Boat’ will become the sinister setting for a Yewtree-style drama, Chuggington plans to tackle the issue of binge drinking and Charlie sells Lola for ‘an ounce of crystal meth’.
Similarly publishers are hoping to bring out a series of books that reflect a post-watershed sensibility, including: ‘That’s not my Chemical Weapon’, ‘The Clinically Obese Caterpillar’ and ‘Winnie the Scatologically Obsessed Bear’. The executive explained: ‘Your average child is world weary, hedonistic and filled with Red Bull. They want something a little more sophisticated than potty training with James Corden. Fortunately Aaron Sorkin has agreed to write the next season of Peppa Pig, Game of Thrones will now be in a Lego format and Downtown Abbey just makes more sense in crayon’.