The Truth about Goats
The former Conservative Party treasurer was forced to apologize for a series of humiliating slips of the tongue, innuendos and ‘dirty great big fibs’. Earlier this week and before a packed room of left wing activists, he inadvertently characterized the next General Election as ‘Labour’s to lose’ as opposed to the grammatically correct ‘Ed Miliband’s to f**k up’.
To make matters worse Lord Ashcroft referred to himself as a ‘proud tax avoider’ instead of more accurately as a ‘smug crook’. A spokesman elaborated: ‘You say ‘criminal’, Mr Ashcroft says ‘tax evader’. You say ‘potato’, he says ‘potarto’. He says ‘strong leadership by Ed Miliband’, we all say ‘flying pig’. It’s a matter of perspective. Although he’s probably on his own when it comes to misspelling root vegetables’.
The peer, renowned for hiding his billion pound fortune in Belize, is an ardent believer in ‘charity and philanthropy’ or ‘keeping the money for yourself’ as we call it. ‘Legal tax avoidance is completely different to not paying your tax,’ explained the spokesman. ‘In the same way murder is not murder if you delegate someone else to do it. And it’s not rape if you shout ‘surprise’. Lord Ashcroft has sensibly invested millions of pounds in corrupt politicians from all around the globe, rather than fritter money away on the NHS, benefits for the disabled or raising the living wage’.
The fact that in 2003 one High Court judge implied that Lord Ashcroft was disguising acts of ‘blackmail’ behind euphemisms, would suggest that Brewer’s Dictionary of Phrase and Fable may have a new parapraxis poster boy. As one editor commented: ”Cash for Peerages’ should really be called ‘money for old rope’. A Caribbean tax haven could be simply called ‘home’. And ‘Crimestoppers’, which was founded by Lord Ashcroft, would be re-branded ‘Crime-provideditisnotme&itlooksabitworkingclass-stoppers”