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‘France coquettishly demands to be spied upon’

US diplomats have laughed off recent accusations of espionage as ‘the jealous machinations’ of a spurned French Republic. In turn, the Quai d’Orsay’s Laurent Fabius has petulantly claimed that the National Security Agency monitored ‘70.3 million’ French phone calls, made them pose for ‘smutty selfies’ and forced them to talk dirty about ‘400 varieties of fromage’.

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Not in the least bit phallic (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Having ‘put out’ over Syria, the French Government had been ‘deeply hurt’ that the US has chosen to lavish its intelligence gathering on a sultry Latin America. Despite being the world’s number one tourist location, an aging Paris has resorted to flirtatiously painting the Eiffel Tower every seven years, stuffing the Louvre with topless Madonnas and adding frilly knickers to the Arc de Triomphe. Unfortunately by then the NSA had already become besotted with South America’s wantonly open email system, its sluttish firewalls and brazen IP addresses.

The CIA has been left bemused by the charges: ‘Why would we spy on France? It’s no surprise theirs is the official language of the United Nations, they’ve never kept a secret worth a damn!’ said one operative. ‘Am I supposed to be surprised that every street is called Victor Hugo or that Jerry Lewis tastes like horsemeat. Trust me, the Pentagon is less than impressed that the Ministre de la Défense’s greatest weapons are the hot air balloon, art house movies and croissants in a tin’.

Meanwhile Interior Minister Manuel Valls, who had earlier said the allegations were ‘shocking’, had updated his Facebook status to invitingly state ‘looking for holiday romance’ – which in France is over 30% of the year. This has been supplemented by a series of provocative text messages where he promises to wander, naked, around Notre Dame Cathedral with only a baguette to hide his modesty. His final hope to re-kindle the romance is if the NSA intercepts are triggered by certain coy phrase in these messages, such as – ‘Backdoor Eurodisney’, ‘Taking it up the Champs Elysees’ and ‘Smurfing Carla Bruni’.

by @Wrenfoe

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