The Truth about Goats
As eight more News Corp employees go on trial for conspiracy to ‘intercept communications’, demand for a ‘stiff drink’ has started to outstrip supply. Unfortunately nothing soothes a guilty conscience like sleeping tablets, access to Rupert Murdoch’s credit card and ‘downing a crate’ of pinot grigio nightly.
As proceedings at the Old Bailey begin, the jury will need to decide if the former editors of News of the World were either ‘grossly incompetent’ for not knowing about the hacking or just plain ‘gross’. Rebekah Brooks’ legal team confirmed: ‘Our client maintains her innocence and would also like to maintain an alcoholic stupor throughout proceedings. A few bottles of a nice claret for medicinal purposes can give any person the dutch courage to ignore all ethical boundaries, urinate behind the butchers in Chipping Norton High Street and marry Ross Kemp.’
Morgan Stanley’s research reports ‘the deepest shortfall’ in wine supply in over 40 years is attributable to journalists drowning their sorrows, bribed officials hoping to drink ‘to forget’ and Andy Coulson making ‘Toilet Duck’ spritzers. A spokesman for Alcoholics Anonymous commented: ‘If the UK is deprived of its favourite tipple we may at least be spared a repeat of seeing an inebriated James Murdoch vomiting on Kelvin MacKenzie, drunk dialling Hugh Grant and then making a lewd suggestion to Lord Chief Justice Levinson. A larger concern is that if all the editors are found guilty, the nation is going to want to toast their demise.’