The Truth about Goats
Despite seven years of ill-considered wit, grammatical errors and excessive references to the Isle of Wight, Newsbiscuit.com has thoroughly failed to ‘offend anyone of importance’. While popular satirist Bassem Youssef has been suspended from the airwaves for lampooning the Egyptian military, the ‘wags’ of Newsbiscuit continue to churn out ‘half-arsed puns’ with impunity.
‘It’s not that we haven’t tried,’ said one disillusioned writer. ‘I’ve mocked David Cameron, I’ve imitated Ed Miliband’s nasal twang and I’ve drawn an enormous c**k on Michael Gove’s forehead. It almost as if my seventeen years of accountancy in Basingstoke has failed to hone my comedic genius! I once wrote a damning but droll story about EU fisheries policy – it got 400 Facebook ‘likes’…unfortunately ninety percent of those were from me spam-clicking the page.’
Whilst Mr. Youssef achieved fame during the uprising against Mubarak’s rule, Newsbiscuit found infamy during a bitterly contested Women’s Institute regional election in Appuldurcombe. A spokesman for the Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, said: ‘Newswhat? Biscuitwho? I’m afraid Mr. Clegg just hasn’t heard of it. When it comes to jesting he’s a long time admirer of the mirth of Ben Elton, James Corden and Private Eye. Now that’s a satirical magazine! They once did this very humorous thing with this play on words, Eton rowing song and a split infinitive. Very clever. He knew it was funny the moment he didn’t understand it.’
Human rights activists have expressed concern that Newsbiscuit will continue its ‘whimsical bilge’ in the absence of an oppressive but thorough dictatorship. Rumours that John O’Farrell has been kidnapped by the ‘rock-people’ of Ventnor have been quickly dismissed. A spokesman for Amnesty: ‘Sometimes there’s a case for a little state censorship, imprisonment and torture. If anyone deserved the thumbscrews it’s them.’
(For those of you who don’t know, Newsbiscuit.com is a website I contribute to. So while this is a mean spirited story, it’s 100% accurate!)