Flibbertigibbet News

The Truth about Goats

‘Kathleen Sebelius apologises that Obamacare will ‘not cover’ military torture’


The White House has been further embarrassed this week by the admission that waterboarding, force-feeding and medicinal torment will not be part of the President’s plan for affordable healthcare. While private patients at the exclusive holiday resort of Guantanamo Bay are pampered with exotic stress positions, the average uninsured American can only dream of enforced sleep deprivation, sexual assault and beatings.

With his family by his side, Barack Obama is s...

‘I promise to close Gitmo….phnarr….I can’t keep a straight face!’ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Beset by computer glitches, the new healthcare website has been inundated by 20 million people all requesting the same level of ‘cruel, inhumane and degrading treatment’ that doctors and nurses have been able to provide for Gitmo detainees. One frustrated patient said: ‘I work two minimum wage jobs to support a family of five and the least I should be able to expect from my doctor is something kinky involving broken glass, barbed wire and yoga.’

Currently many Americans are ‘excluded’ from interrogation by a ‘pre-existing condition’, such as not having been kidnapped in Pakistan or lacking a bright orange onesie. A spokesman for the beleaguered health secretary confirmed: ‘At least 15% of the US population lack access to affordable rendition. President Obama is committed to bringing forced drug injections, sensory deprivation and intensive spa treatments within the reach of every American.’

Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health has reported that since 2001, terrorism suspects have been spoilt with fist facials, aromatherapy defecation and concrete massages. ‘You deserve better,’ Ms Sebelius pledged to the public. The hope is health professionals, complicit in the abuse of suspects at CIA secret detention sites, may one day be able to offer everyone ‘sensual exfoliation with cigarette butts’, ‘head-first hot tub fun’ and a ‘pliers pedicure’.

by @Wrenfoe

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Reformation (play script)

Prize Winners

Our readers described Flibbertigibbet News as ..."only slightly less accurate than the Daily Mail"(Dizzychick84) ..."clearly under-appreciated" (Sean Smithson)..."Half man, half goat. All Comedy"(JizzOSmith)..."the best reason for smirking at work" (DavidHollands) and ..."clearly an elaborate internet phishing scam!"(XangChek12)

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive FREE notifications of new posts by email.

Join 558 other followers

Blog Stats

  • 36,464 fumbles

Follow Wrenfoe on Twitter

By

Award Winning

Reader Review

"It takes a sick and yet highly evolved mind to fully grasp the sophistication of your humor. I tried to explain this to my wife, who thought I was having convulsions as I lay on the floor laughing." (Mike Lince)

Flib Zealots

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2014

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2013

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2015

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2016

Flibbertigibbet Annual 2017

%d bloggers like this: