The Truth about Goats
The White House has been further embarrassed this week by the admission that waterboarding, force-feeding and medicinal torment will not be part of the President’s plan for affordable healthcare. While private patients at the exclusive holiday resort of Guantanamo Bay are pampered with exotic stress positions, the average uninsured American can only dream of enforced sleep deprivation, sexual assault and beatings.
Beset by computer glitches, the new healthcare website has been inundated by 20 million people all requesting the same level of ‘cruel, inhumane and degrading treatment’ that doctors and nurses have been able to provide for Gitmo detainees. One frustrated patient said: ‘I work two minimum wage jobs to support a family of five and the least I should be able to expect from my doctor is something kinky involving broken glass, barbed wire and yoga.’
Currently many Americans are ‘excluded’ from interrogation by a ‘pre-existing condition’, such as not having been kidnapped in Pakistan or lacking a bright orange onesie. A spokesman for the beleaguered health secretary confirmed: ‘At least 15% of the US population lack access to affordable rendition. President Obama is committed to bringing forced drug injections, sensory deprivation and intensive spa treatments within the reach of every American.’
Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health has reported that since 2001, terrorism suspects have been spoilt with fist facials, aromatherapy defecation and concrete massages. ‘You deserve better,’ Ms Sebelius pledged to the public. The hope is health professionals, complicit in the abuse of suspects at CIA secret detention sites, may one day be able to offer everyone ‘sensual exfoliation with cigarette butts’, ‘head-first hot tub fun’ and a ‘pliers pedicure’.