The Truth about Goats
Animal behaviour scientists have warned that the ‘electronic backpack’ made for cockroaches is not just ‘cruel’ but could lead to an oversubscription for sabbaticals, normally reserved for those with ‘more money than sense’. Backyard Brains, the company who developed the device, claim that indigenous people would rather be patronized by a flood of computerized insects than one ‘chinless moron named Sebastian’.
Queen’s University philosophy Professor Michael Allen warned that living organisms could become ‘mere machines or tools’ but confirmed most graduates of Harrow School could easily be ‘outperformed by a mutilated roach’. With their miniscule nervous system only being capable of eating, ‘chundering’, and ‘mating with girls called Jocasta’, the similarity between your average backpacker and their chitinous competitor is obvious.
A spokesman for the cockroaches admitted that there was some discomfort in ‘having your shell sandpapered’, ‘antennae cut’ off and a hole ‘poked’ in their thorax but it was a small price to pay for adding to their resume: ‘Obviously we are not as familiar as teenagers in having our movements controlled by a mobile phone,’ he said. ‘However, we do have the advantage of surviving for week after decapitation, reproducing at an astonishing rate and we’d actually DO some voluntary work rather than just get drunk.’