The Truth about Goats
With the UK’s over 80’s set to double and centenarians to ‘increase five-fold’, in just over twenty years William Hartnell will eclipse all others as the nation’s favourite Time Lord. The Office for National Statistics (ONS) has confirmed that geriatrics will be blathering on about how great ‘Bonanza’ was, how ‘Columbo’ is so much edgier than ‘Broadchurch’ and that ‘Gilligan’s Island’ made a lot more sense than ‘Lost’.
Most care homes will feature incontinence Bell-bottoms, palsied renditions of ‘Good Vibrations’ and the crunching of artificial hips, as free love breaks out. This does of course mean that one sixteen year old, stacking shelves in Tescos, will need to earn somewhere in the region of £57,000 a year to cover the pension cost of the twenty octogenarians they are subsidising. Elderly care needs are ‘set to treble’, as are rambling anecdotes about Watergate, Concorde and ‘how I shagged one of the Bee Gees’.
The news is not all bleak, with the number of primary school-age children projected to increase by 13%. A spokesman for ONS said: ‘We’ll be training most toddlers to deliver bed baths, change diapers and reminisce about the Golden Age of Rock. But at least thanks to George W Bush, stories about the Vietnam War won’t seem so bad’.