The Truth about Goats
Typhoon survivors were given some respite today, when the UK’s media redirected their focus onto a more newsworthy topic. As one orphan put it: ‘It helps put the loss of over 10,000 lives in perspective, knowing that David Dimbleby was able to ‘man up”.
The BBC reported that the 75-year broadcaster bravely thought of ‘Winston Churchill’ during the tortuous process of having a scorpion etched on his shoulder. Amid the large-scale devastation caused by Typhoon Haiyan, people were able to draw strength from hearing that the Dimbleby’s experience was ‘not painful at all’.
This news comes amidst the announcement that Cheryl Cole will be taking over Dimbleby’s chair at ‘Question Time’. Miss Cole will be asking such important political questions, such as ‘Whatever happened to Girl’s Aloud?’, ‘Why doesn’t Simon Cowell return my calls?’ and ‘How hard is it to get a man with a 2ft rose tattooed on my arse?’
UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon described images of the tattoo as ‘heartbreaking’ and admitted that it had been a tragic news cycle, ever since we noticed Kate Middleton’s ‘grey roots’. While Philippine President Benigno Aquino had previously declared a state of ‘national calamity’, he now felt the original statement was somewhat ‘melodramatic’ in light of Dimbleby’s courage. Other countries have already pledged millions of dollars in assistance, in order to help Dimbleby achieve his dream of having a corset piercing, a Prince Albert ring and a life-size body tattoo of midlife crisis.