The Truth about Goats
Much to the surprise of literary scholars, Fox Searchlight Studio has declared that the life of J.R.R.Tolkien will seamlessly translate into a movie blockbuster. The story will focus less on Tolkien’s life as an Academic but look more at his early years growing up in Mirkwood, his battles with the Nazgul and his illicit affair with a Goblin called ‘Gary’.
The Tolkien estate has accused Hollywood of ‘sensationalizing’ the professor’s life, of ‘blurring the lines of literary fiction’ and of giving him ‘pointy ears’. However one executive explained: ‘This will be an authentic depiction of a poet, philologist and wielder of the ancient blade Glamdring. We will explore Tolkien’s experiences during the First World War, including a graphic depiction of the brutalities of battle, the blighting of the Shire and the Kaiser’s lust for the Arkenstone’.
The pressure to ‘cash in’ on the multi-billion pound franchise associated with Tolkien’s name, has encouraged the scriptwriter (David Gleeson) to include a Balrog studying Classics at Oxford, one dyspeptic wizard and scenes of gratuitous dwarf nudity. However most Tolkien fans have said they will tolerate any amount of ‘orc bashing’, ‘elf erotica’ or ‘hobbit spit-roasting’ but they will draw line at the inclusion of ‘Jah Jah Binks’ – even if he is voiced by Andy Serkis.