The Truth about Goats
While the majority of TV viewers are agreed that success is best experienced in high definition, there is growing evidence that a panoramic, three dimensional, surround-sound arse kicking is not as much ‘fun’ as first thought. In fact sociologists have labelled the phenomena ‘sofa-trauma’; manifesting in a tendency to ‘yell at the widescreen’, blame the remote control for ‘the non-existence of God’ and ‘garrotte loved ones’ with an HDMI cable.
Many sports fans have expressed a preference for the coverage offered by cheaper, terrestrial channels. ‘Yes, you feel like you are stuck 30 rows behind a fidgeting Neanderthal, with a cranium the size of the graf zeppelin,’ said one anxious viewer. ‘But at least the sting of defeat is muted. A cameraman taking inopportune toilet breaks is preferable to seeing Crystal Palace in their full 360 degree horror’.
For any connoisseur of Henmania, England penalties or the Winter Olympics there is very little consolation in undergoing seventeen million colour pixels of unmitigated disaster. Fans have been left unimpressed by BT’s offer to ‘taste the sweat of Wayne Rooney’s thigh’, Virgin Media’s promise to recreate the sound of a ‘ruptured cruciate ligament’ or Sky Sport’s new tag line – ‘Smell the Jockstrap!’.
(Inspired by Andre Louis)