The Truth about Goats
Not content with alleviating famine in Ethiopia, British charities have donated much needed financial aid to struggling Smirnoff manufacturers and lovers of Guinness. Without your £3 a month, a starving African child will not experience the sweet taste of Baileys, the heady aroma of 20 Silk Cut or the non-stop laughter fest that is ‘Love Actually’.
A Comic Relief spokesmen reiterated their mission statement: ‘… to tackle the root causes of poverty and injustice…while offering a bump in share prices for arms firms. Each year we provide a welcome relief from actual comedy. Allowing newsreaders and reality TV stars some free advertising for their imminent autobiography, fitness DVD or court case’.
The Save the Children fund was quick to distance themselves from the suggestion that being bankrolled by the very same energy firms they were supposed to be criticising was a conflict of interest: ‘Big business loves weepy orphans,’ insisted a spokeswoman. ‘Not only do they lend themselves to a wonderfully manipulative poster campaign but they will in later years be a key consumer of booze, drugs and unlicensed fire arms.’
Fortunately Comic Relief is undeterred in its continued commitment to bland programming, cynical self promotion and peddling of middle class guilt. A spokesman confirmed: ‘We will continue to give the British public that warm fuzzy sense that they have helped without knowing any the specifics. Why not invest in both the problem and the solution at the same time? To paraphrase our founder Richard Curtis – When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge – they were all requests to see David Walliams swimming in a dress.’