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The Truth about Goats

Jennifer Lawrence wants Ringo Starr behind bars


The slender star of the, ironically titled, Hunger Games has called for the ex-drummer come voice-over artist to be arrested. Mr. Richard Starkey is accused of wilfully abusing Thomas the Tank Engine’s bloated employer throughout the 1990’s; causing the clinically obese controller to take his own life by jumping in front the Sodor Express.

The Fat Controller

Lip up Fatty (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Not only does the petite Ms. Lawrence expect ex-Beatle’s to be criminalised for their ‘fattist’ remarks but she has demanded that the cast of Bugsy Malone be called in for questioning. The clothing chain ‘Fat Face’ has been asked to rebrand themselves ‘Perfectly Normal – it’s just my ears look a bit small for my cheeks – Face’. While milkmen will only be permitted to offer us bottles of ‘big boned’ cow juice.

Meanwhile sexy bass lines will no longer be allowed to be ‘phat’ and all jazz musicians with portly monikers will be banned. The incredibly ‘ickle’ Ms. Lawrence warned that ‘the media needs to take responsibility for the effect that it has on our younger generation’ as she draped herself over a 50ft Subway poster. In response Heston Blumenthal has agreed to rename his award winning restaurant ‘The nice personality Duck’.

by @Wrenfoe

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