The Truth about Goats
Thanks to an excess of hubris, mismanagement and birdseed – Michael Gove’s education stratagem is unravelling before his very eyes. Yet despite a billion pound deficit, failing test scores and an endorsement by Mrs Trunchbull, even a clown car would have been surprised to see the ‘wheels come off’ quite so soon.
Like most Secretaries of State, Mr. Gove had naturally assumed he would have long left office before the true horrors of his efforts could come back to haunt the DfE. A spokesman confirmed: ‘Just when we thought our Stalinist plan was coming to fruition, along comes a Fowl of Ill-Intent to lay a fetid chicken poop slap bang in the middle of our curriculum’. The Ghost of CSE Past has been quickly accompanied the spectre of portacabins, Grange Hill and unqualified teachers – leading to the old adage: ‘Those who can’t teach, become molesters.’
Back in 2010 Mr. Gove had confidently promised to reform the schooling system, reintroduce tuck shops and avenge the death of his father King Laius. While he was able to fast track academies, his free-schools proved to be anything but ‘free’ and there was nagging sense that his wife Jocasta looked a little bit like his mum. As one Inspector observed: ‘If only he had had the gumption to read some of the classic literature he was so keen to foist on others, he would have realised bad deeds return to discomfort their perpetrator…like losing 5-0 to Liverpool!’
There is still a question on how Mr. Gove can make amends for 40% budget cuts, school closures and the appointment of Dolores Umbridge as Head of Ofsted. One suggestion is that rather than hang an albatross tied around his neck, Mr. Gove should ‘offer work experience to a BTEC student’. A spokesman for Mr. Gove confirmed that he: ‘…would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for you meddling kids!’
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