The Truth about Goats
As wind and rain hit, panic has swept the nation in anticipation of 8,000 ‘Bulgarian accented’ Kris Kringles flooding UK borders. The Home Office has warned that Saint Nicholas may be more than ‘just visiting’ this year and has warned parents to block chimneys, lace mince pies with strychnine and hide any minimum wage jobs.
The Institute for Public Policy Research has suggested the public should also be suspicious of any ‘long lost relatives’ who appear demanding brandy butter, cranberry sauce and access to the NHS. One householder recounted: ‘It took us several days to realise Aunty Joan was speaking in fluent Romanian. Initially we quite grateful when she fixed the plumbing and we were happy to overlook her beard, her enormous appetite and that she kept winning at charades.’
Home Secretary Theresa May has declared that Santa’s little helpers will be subject to rigorous immigration checks. A spokesman confirmed: ‘A ‘Dear Santa’ letter is no substitute for a passport. All portly gentlemen attempting to entire the UK before 1 January will be de-bearded, presents will be impounded and any reindeer will be quarantined for rabies. The fact that Father Christmas is willing to work for a lump of coal and half a carrot, could lead to elf sweat shops appearing all over the country.’
by @ Wrenfoe