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The Truth about Goats

Abattoir workers asked to remove ‘blindfolds’

Horse meat scandals in the UK and the contamination of donkey meat with fox in the US, has led to calls for a cessation of centuries of slaughterhouse practice. Workers will now be required to ‘check’ what they are killing rather ‘shutting their eyes’, handling animals with ‘long poles’ and sticking their fingers in their ears while saying ‘la la la la la I can’t hear you’.


A shrub disguised as lamb

Although the Humane Farming Association has evidenced psychological trauma for those working in abattoirs, there is also a growing suspicion that staff are avoiding their onerous duty by using road kill, deceased pets and vegetables dressed as livestock. Wal-Mart is the first of several international firms to realise that ‘tainted meat’ is not the title of Robin Thicke’s next album.

As attention to detail in abattoirs has waned, there has been a reported rise in the number of ‘suspicious disappearances’. Less scrupulous Knackers Yards have always provided services in the ‘deposal of loved ones’ but cases of mislaid cub scout packs have led to wider public alarm. Yum Brands’ (owner of KFC) chickens were discovered to have excessive levels of antibiotics, added to fears that Russell Brand had ‘fallen in the mincer’.

Music fans have now realised that ‘What does the fox say?’ is a lyrically accurate depiction omnivorous mammal being turned into a sausage. With around nine billion animals slaughtered annually in the US, people can no longer turn a ‘blind eye’ to the number of missing homeless people. All meat products will now be required to display the sticker – ‘may contain traces of Zoo’.


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