The Truth about Goats
Britain’s shoppers will soon be able to buy alongside anthocyanin-infused tomatoes, the genetically-modified scrotum of our favourite lascivious tramp. Mr. Brand’s ‘swollen nuts’, with their distinctive purple bruising, will be available to view in all reputable groccers, broadsheets and public toilets.
Years of ‘serial shagging’ have enabled Mr. Brand’s testes to boast similar vitamin profile to blueberries, cranberries or night with One Direction. The potential health benefits of Mr. Brand’s ‘spunk bunkers’ is unclear, but the wiry comedian recommends rubbing them over ‘every part’ of your body and inserting them in every orifice – ‘just to be on the safe side’.
The ‘plums’ are being preserved on ice at the John Innes Centre (Norwich) to ‘cool them down’ after a particularly ‘rigorous duvet session’ with the cast of Big Brother. A spokesman for the centre said: ‘We are confident these enriched Nads can improve the nutritional value of copulating with your average super model. Having been dipped in what Heat magazine described as ‘the finest vagina’s of the decade’, Mr. Brand’s genitals have been lovingly pickled.’
One shopper (a Ms. K. Perry of California) attested to their restorative powers: ‘I was languishing in the bottom half of the charts, until I supped upon these exquisite devil fruits. Now I’m getting number one after number one, although subsequently it’s been rather painful doing a number two.’