The Truth about Goats
In what was seen as tacit admission that the public sector was falling behind on OECD’s International Defence against the Dark Arts tests, the Secretary of State insisted that schools should adopt a curriculum of ‘facilitating subjects’ such as herbology, arithmancy and ‘mocking the ginger kid’. By abandoning vocational BTECs and returning to the Ordinary Wizarding Level, he argued, the education sector could return to the ‘halcyon days’ of tuckshop with Nanny and ‘flying classes with Madam Hooch’.
Based on his own educational experience of having transferred from a state school into a private college, Michael Gove made a ringing endorsement of Scotland’s most prestigious independent school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. A spokesman for Department of Education said: ‘We can assure voters that the Ministry for Magic will not be siphoning off public funds to subsidize private schools. However there is a clear need in the secondary sector to extend the teaching day and offer extra-curricular frog choir’.
Given that many schools were forced to sell off their Quidditch pitches to pay for building working during the 90s, there persist some questions over how to achieve a huge expansion of the education sector while continuing to cut resources, funding and teachers. Rumours abound that non-qualified house elves will be employed as ‘class room assistants’. Mr. Gove refused to be drawn on the recent removal of Labour Peer Dolores Umbridge, but confirmed that Cornelius Fudge would continue as head of Ofsted.
Despite the worst schools in England belonging to an unregulated private sector, the Secretary of State for Education insisted that the common entrance exam would only be used ‘to weed out the Muggles’. Mr. Gove countered claims that private schooling was socially divisive by highlighting the broad array of staff at Hogwarts (including a ghost, a centaur and a goblin), but he refused to comment on the Headteacher’s sexual proclivity. He promised that the Hogwarts Express would continue to bring in under-privileged students from the inner cities; while scholarships would be available for any willing to fight ‘one on one’ with Voldemort.