The Truth about Goats
Recent footprints discovered along the shores of Happisburgh would suggest that the species called Homo antecessor was a distant incestuous relative of the residents of Norwich. Dating back 800,000 years this evidence, coupled with tools collected in the area, is the clearest indication that these phalange-rich primitives had sloping foreheads, droopy eyes and an uncle that doubled as a brother.
Norwich North’s very own MP, Dr Ian Gibson (former chairman of the Commons science and technology committee), has accused the six-toed ancestor of inbreeding. In turn he reminded journalists that the Norfolk-born actress Olivia Colman had only been able to maintain her stranglehold on all television acting roles by subcontracting parts to her four identical sister/cousins/aunts.
The footprints have been described as one of the ‘most important’ anthropological discoveries and the clearest indication yet that what is ‘normal for Norfolk’ is best accompanied by duelling banjos. The only frustrating thing for an ancestor more inbred than a baker’s fist and more closely related than Joffrey Baratheon, is that he was one million years too early to audition for the Jeremy Kyle Show.
What is also clear from the direction of the footprints is that Early Man was trying to escape, unsuccessfully, from the shallow end of the gene pool. A spokesman for the BritishMuseum confirmed: ‘Inhabitants of Carrow Road Football stadium are recognisable by their thick eyebrows, vestigial tail and insistence that getting to the third round of the UEFA Cup is impressive. As a county, Norfolk doesn’t so much have skeletons in the cupboard more like relatives in the cellar.’