The Truth about Goats
Having claimed to have ‘mistaken’ his ex-girlfriend for a burglar and fatally wounding her, Oscar Pistorius’ defence team elaborated on his firmly held views on bathroom etiquette. What was initially portrayed as a gross over-reaction to a suspected break-in, was more plausible once you understood that the Olympic athlete considered the wearing of shoes ‘on a tiled floor’, leaving ‘hair in the plughole’ and ‘not flushing’ all capital offences.
Earlier this year Mr. Pistorius helped raise awareness for the charity event ‘Slap Your Child Into Unconsciousness’ by endorsing a ‘zero tolerance’ of toddlers leaving ‘the cap off’ the toothpaste tube. A lawyer explained: ‘Our client is a fastidious individual, who perhaps has a much more heightened view of acceptable rest-room behaviour. That Mr. Pistorius holds people to a higher standard should be applauded. If only more of us were willing to recklessly employ firearms, then perhaps we could truly see an end to ne’er-do-wells mistaking the hand towel for the face towel.’ However he dismissed reports that Mr. Pistorius once ‘pistol-whipped’ a man in a public urinal for not ‘washing his hands properly’, ‘spitting’ and taking a ‘sneaky peek’ at his genitals.
His legal team issued a statement: ‘Mr. Pistorius had helpfully provided a laminated, thirty-eight point notice instructing users of his bathroom on acceptable conduct. The tragic death of Reeva Steenkamp could have been avoided if only she had remembered the golden rule (number 12A) to switch the sink and not the over-head light on. It was this social faux pas that led my client to reach the natural conclusion that an intruder was using the bidet. You must remember that apartheid era saw stringent toilet protocols in South Africa, Mr. Pistorius is just a product of these long held prejudices.’
Much had been made in the Press that the paralympian had been seen firing a gun in a restaurant. Friends of Pistorius explained that this was a perfectly normal occurrence in reaction to the wine being ‘served at room temperature’, the ‘wrong ratio’ of green to black olives and the serviette ‘not being folded into a swan’. However the exact sequence of events leading to Ms. Steenkamp’s death are still contested, with neighbours have claiming to have heard raised voices before shots were fired, shouting ‘floss before you brush!’, ‘you cannot put sanitary towel in the toilet!’ and ‘you sit at the tap end!’. At this stage it is unclear if the medal winner is more fearful of Judge Thokozile Masipa handing out a life sentence or insisting that imprisonment means sharing a bathroom.