The Truth about Goats
As a referendum approaches, a majority of New Zealanders have expressed a preference for removing the Union Jack from the corner of their flag and replacing it with ‘something involving a Hobbit.’ The current frontrunner is a depiction of the hirsute director lounging in a pair of sweatpants, while elf maidens coquettishly scratch at his groin, in search of nuts and berries.
A spokesman for Prime Minister John Key explained: ‘We can’t ignore the fact that eighty per cent of our economy is now related to Lord of the Rings merchandise, Flight of the Concords CDs and dyspeptic sheep. Sir Peter Jackson is an iconic image of a modern New Zealand, sorely in need of good hair products’. Over the next three years, Kiwis will be offered an assortment of Jackson tableaux to chose from including ‘Jackson wrestling an Orc’, ‘Jackson suckling a Dwarf from the Iron Hills’ and a controversial ‘swimwear section’.
The current flag with its Southern Cross constellation is seen as a retro celebration of Jackson’s early work in the horror genre, but does not take into account his seventeen LOTR themed movies. Mr Key has expressed a fondness for the All Blacks’ flag but admitted that the ‘silver fern’ on black background would be far more ‘fetching’ if replaced by a ‘large glowing red eye’.
Military personnel who have fought under the existing flag are reluctant to change. A spokesman argued: ‘Would we have won two World Wars marching under the banner of some hairy guy from Wellington? Not that we are adverse to change. Have you thought about something tasteful involving Lucy Lawless, Anna Paquin and some sheep dip? What about a Crowded House album cover?’