The Truth about Goats
As part of an elaborate exchange program to raise international teaching standards, Shanghai has agreed to import sixty of the UK’s finest educational perverts in exchange for sending us their Maths specialists. For the Department for Education (DofE) the hope is to improve numeracy; for the Chinese city the desire is to ‘make’ more girls play beach volley ball in the winter.
The DofE has explained that this exchange is not just an attempt to solve a skills crisis in British schools, but is also a ‘golden opportunity’ to ‘get rid’ of some our more unsavoury pedagogs. A spokeswoman explained: ‘While UK schools have been consistently outperformed at maths in Pisa tests, we have long been world leaders in forcing teenagers to shower while we watch…casually caressing our stopwatch…our referee’s whistle…and our inappropriately…tight…jogging bottoms.’
Poor numeracy is estimated to cost the UK £20bn annually, while the Chinese tabloids struggle to run with more than one ‘Sixth Former runs off with Teacher’ headline a year. Hopefully the exchange will allow Shanghai maths teachers to focus on complex algebraic equations, while the British contingent will offer advice on-
‘Which items of underwear to keep from lost property?’
‘How many peep holes you can drill into the one lavatory stall?’
…and the all important…
‘How do I get amorously drunk on a Ski Trip?’
The DofE spokeswoman said: ‘Should this scheme prove successful we hope to also export a glut of smelly Geography teachers, a whimpering pile of lonely English specialists and at least one hundred stammering French Instructors’.