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Kate Bush Tour forces all other female singers into early retirement

Through a combination of George Osborne’s generous pension provision in his budget and the surprise tour of the UK’s ‘last spark of originality’, many of the world’s leading musicians plan to now ‘pack up their crotch-less panties’. News that Kate Bush is returning to the stage has resulted in an ‘exodus’ from Simon Cowell’s harem, Madonna ‘cashing in’ on her bus pass and the disbandment of the ‘twelfth version’ of the Sugarbabes.

Will the real Kate Bush please stand up

Will the real Kate Bush please stand up

While Bush (55) is the first to acknowledge that her high-octane dance routines may be a thing of the past, she is still fairly confident that even if she were ‘to fart Wuthering Heights through a sousaphone, while dressed in a conch shell’ it would still be better than Lady Gaga. Bush’s 79 tour is now widely acknowledged as the most influential rock performance of the twentieth century; whereas Miley Cyrus lip syncing astride a flying hotdog, is not even regarded as the most embarrassing five minutes of a Miley Cyrus tour.

Unlike the singer-songwriter, her fan base may have aged less well. Hammersmith Apollo it set to be filled to capacity with middle-aged poets, earth-mothers and ‘guys who still jerk off to Babooshka’. Long time collaborator, Miley Cyru, is still to confirm (due to Court commitments) if he will be joining her on stage with his own brand of didgeridoo manipulation. Although an online petition to have Lenny Henry removed as a backing singer has now reached over 100,000 signatures.

Naturally music fans will need to temper their optimism as Bush is unlikely to instantly provide a ‘cure for cancer’, ‘a definitive answer to the existence of God’ or ‘stop One Direction from producing more albums’. However, the fifteen London shows will be followed by Kate solving the ‘tensions in the Middle East’, ‘liberating Crimea’ and the recording of a four-hour pan-psychedelic concept album inspired by ‘Listen with Mother’ – including Peter Gabriel, reprising his role of one of the ‘flower pot men’.


by @Wrenfoe


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