The Truth about Goats
Following his successful implementation of a ban on prison inmates receiving books, Chris Grayling is hoping to extend the scheme to ‘once for all’ eradicate logical thought in Cabinet meetings. By restricting access to the ‘communal pot’ of coloured pencils with which Ministers write their policies, there is a hope that the government will return to more traditional modes of communication; such as the ‘stamping of feet’, ‘Neolithic grunts’ and the writing on stone tablets with their ‘own excrement’. Although, as a result of a compromise agreement with the Lib Dems, the Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg will be permitted to retain his ‘brightly shaded bits of string’.
Such is Mr. Grayling’s irrational fear of the written word he is proposing a ‘blanket ban’ on road signs, episodes of Sesame Street and ‘eloquent post-it notes’. In turn, Ministers will be expected to regress as much as possible in order to seem less threatening to the electorate. Coalition ‘playtime’ will be curtailed to such an extent that Iain Duncan Smith must stop ‘picking ideas’ from his nose, Eric Pickles will no longer be permitted just to ‘eat the play-pit sand’ and Theresa May must desist from ‘showing her knickers to the boys’. As one lawyer admitted: ‘If we allow Ministers the opportunity to articulate their ideas we increase the risk of recidivism in the next Parliament. And nobody wants that.’ While literary restrictions will mean no more pop-up books of medical facts for Jeremy Hunt, Mr. Grayling acknowledged that there are still merits in allowing Michael Gove to ‘gulp his food’, ‘run with scissors’ and ‘lick’ the plug sockets.
Meanwhile, defending the banning of books for inmates, the Justice Minister insisted that incarceration is not about reforming but about becoming ‘non-threatening’ Ealing comedy caricatures. He did at least concede that UK prisoners had volunteered to meet him half way by signing a petition for a nationwide ban on Dan Brown novels. Mr. Grayling now joins an exclusive group of those in favour of book prohibition including the Nazis, the Catholic Church and the cast of TOWIE.