The Truth about Goats
The odds of a non-UK resident winning Series 8 of the ever popular talent show has dramatically shortened, with the late entry of an outbreak of virulent hemorrhagic fever from Guinea. Seen as ‘more photogenic than SuBo’, the virus promises to be just as ‘virulent as Diversity’, as ‘deadly as Paul Potts’ and guaranteed to cause ‘more internal bleeding’ than Jai McDowall’s last album. The 2012 BGT tour was axed due to low ticket sales, but EBOV is committed to ‘filling emergency rooms up and down the land’.
With a Hungarian shadow theatre company victorious in last year’s competition, the precedent has been set for a foreign national winner of the show. The Ebola virus (or ‘EBOV & Pudsey’ under which it performs) has an elaborate routine leaping between its canine host (winner of season six) and its human audience. EBOV attaches through the glycoprotein surface peplomer, fuses with vesicle membrane and then does a ‘terribly amusing’ tap dance dressed as a 17th century French aristocrat.
Auditions took place in various major cities but this is the first time producers have included Africa. One TV Executive explained: ‘The pool of talent in the UK is ever-shrinking, whereas petri dishes in Guinea are overflowing with possibility’. EBOV is predicted to get inside more unsuspecting people than Simon Cowell’s genitals. It spreads through close contact with blood and organ secretions, which is also a risk for any women ‘who iron Mr Cowell’s high-wasted trousers’. ITV have confirmed that no specific treatment or vaccine is available for protection against EBOV or Ant & Dec. Particularly at vulnerable to the virus will be the elderly and infirmed; fortunately Louis Walsh & Amanda Holden have been warned.
Controversially last BGT series saw 50% of the acts pre-selected by producers and naturally there is a suspicion that EBOV bears a strong resemblance to the 2002 ‘Congo’s Got Impaired Liver Function’ winner. An official with Medecins Sans Frontieres said: ‘Fruit bats, such as David Walliams, are considered to be the natural host for the virus. The public have been warned that at the sudden onset of vomiting and diarrhoea not to change channels, as this is a normal reaction to Stephen Mulhern’.