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Silvio Berlusconi promises to ‘give your Nonna a good seeing to’

Italian homes for the elderly will soon be visited by the ‘creosote crooner’, otherwise known as ‘Ol’ Gropey’ by his adoring under-age fans and tax accountants. The former Prime Minister has been sentenced to community service, which will involve a year of ‘lingering bed baths’ and advising dementia sufferers to invest their life-savings in the complete ‘Silvio Berlusconi CD collection’.

Silvio has a preference for teeth out

Silvio has a preference for teeth out

Critics of the Italian PM have suggested his anti-immigration laws and rejection of the right-to-die, were all part of his long term scheme to inundate care homes with ‘white, wrinkled lovelies’. The daughter of one resident of Fondazione Sacra Famiglia voiced her concern: ‘I placed my mother here so she could enjoy the gentle twilight of her last few years. I’m not sure her artificial hip will cope with 24-7 bunga bunga parties’.

Ironically the elderly seem less apprehensive by Berlusconi’s aggressive sexual advances but more by his predilection for controlling what TV channel they want to watch. To allay their fears, the 77-year-old billionaire has said he can give them ‘the special care they need’ and it will be ‘great not to have to wear a condom for once’. While he prefers his paramours to refer to him as ‘papi’ (‘daddy’) Mr. Berlusconi may have to break the laws of time and space to make that numerically possible.

Meanwhile the Milan court has ruled that Mr. Berlusconi must focus less on strippers called Ruby and more on bed-stripping for those who have long since celebrated their Ruby anniversary. Berlusconi has always refuted allegations of a Sicilian criminal association, but was overheard saying: ‘…if your Nonna won’t sleep with me, there’s always the fishes!’.




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This entry was posted on April 16, 2014 by in International Crime and tagged , , , , , , .

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