The Truth about Goats
Despite entering their third year of civil war many Syrians are starting to look drab, unwashed and unloved in comparison to fashionable parts of crisis-torn Eastern Europe. Once considered ‘quite the catch’, President Bashar al-Assad now has to wait in line – while coquettishRussian soldiers cavort before the world’s press; dazzling the Crimea with their ‘come to USSR’ eyes, Kiełbasa breath and balaclavaed good-looks.
Obviously this was not always the case and once upon a time Syrians could expect to receive regular texts ‘expressing concern’, ‘sad-faced’ selfies and ‘detailed weapon’s invoices’ from all of the UN Security Council. Yet a lethargy now surrounds the region, with the Organisation for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons (OPCW) reporting that the Assad government had only removed 65.1% of its declared stockpile. A spokesman for OPCW Director-General, Ahmet Uzumcu, said: ‘Okay, so there’s at least a third of all hazardous weapons potentially in use. But, you know, who cares? It’s not as if we live there. And quite frankly we could do with a little excitement’.
Meanwhile foreign diplomats have displayed the same powers of long-term memory normally associated with a ‘goldfish surrounded by brightly coloured string’, ‘a night of rohypnol’ or a ‘blow to the head with a polo mallet’. Although an Alawite by faith, President Bashar al-Assad has expressed ‘disappointment’ at being left off the US Christmas Card list for the second year in a row. A Pentagon official said: ‘Syria is a snoozefest. The Crimea is where it’s at, baby! Maybe if Assad was to ride bare-chested on a camel? Any chance they could host the next Winter Olympics? Thought not’.
Even the involvement of Lebanese Hezbollah, the al-Qaeda-affiliated al-Nusra Front and Harry from 1D has not managed to ‘spice things up’ for the waning labido of UN observers. Recently Reuters news agency defended its decision to replace Syrian coverage with adorable kitten photos, as ‘of greater interest’. The UN High Commissioner for Human Rights, Navi Pillay, strongly condemned: ‘…a thingy’ You know? A whatchamacallit!’ While the Syrian Observatory, a UK-based activist group, reported something or other about human rights….blah, blah, blah…torture….zzzzzzzzz.