The Truth about Goats
Much to the surprise of cartographers, scientists and pasty lovers, the EU has confirmed that the ‘bit that stops Devon getting too wet’ is not just a fairy story told to children to warn about the perils of a dairy-fat diet. Contrary to popular belief and tax-returns, Cornwall is actually a ‘non-fictional’ landmass and is populated by indigenous bipeds, whose DNA comprises of 38% whortleberry pie.
Along with Brigadoon, Social Equality and the G-spot, Cornwall was previously thought to be an imaginary locale – declared a Duchy by George III during one of his ‘less lucid moments’. The legend goes that Truro was a ‘lost city’ situated at the heart of Earth’s clotted cream core. There the dark elves, condemned souls and Lib Dems would feast upon ‘gerty milk’, Ginsters and ‘toe nail clippings’. Only when under the influence of eight pints of cider could a human see these mythic creatures and their damp home. Every so often ‘when the moon was full’, Dorset virgins would be carried off into the night by piskies to be plied with saffron cake, dirty limericks and ‘the juice of the little people’ (‘pobel vean’).
Cornish folklore, or ‘Ye olde Tourist Trap’ as it is sometimes referred to in the glossy brochures, speaks of the country’s founding by Corineus as a ‘ponzi scheme gone wrong’. The ‘droll tellers’ often sing of the birthplace King Arthur which coincidently doubles as the final resting place for ‘the concept of a sunny British holiday’. They also sing the sad lament of Bucca – the Spirit of the Sea – who will only allow the water to be ‘one degree above’ freezing point. Unfortunately Peter Jackson has already dismissed plans to film his next fantasy franchise there, as ‘too implausibly twee’.
European rules will grant the Cornish people minority status and all the same rights as ‘other small mammals’. A spokesman for Communities Minister Stephen Williams confirmed: ‘The Cornish will receive funding to protect against assimilation, hygiene and liking the English’. They will also gain the same status as other Celtic communities – with their own ‘embarrassing Eurovision entry’, ‘spurious scrabble words’ and ‘absence from World Cup football finals’.