The Truth about Goats
Unbeknownst to most married men, their wives for years have only been ‘making an effort’ just on the off chance that heart-throb George Clooney would make ‘a booty call’. Even single ladies have ‘ceased to wash’ now that it has been revealed that Mr. Clooney is ‘off the market’. Reports that he will wed his girlfriend, lawyer Amal Alamuddin, have resulted in women of all sexualities losing the motivation to ‘get out of bed’, remove their baggy comfort t-shirt or restrain from ‘farting in confined spaces’.
Having abandoned all grooming rituals the UK is set to become a nation in waist-high knickers. An eminent Psychologist commented: ‘It’s almost as if they (women) are past caring. Drinking from the carton, eating beans from the can, weeping into copies of Heat magazine… next stop – “frumpville”. A similar thing happened to men when Jose Mourinho first left Chelsea.’
Sporting unkempt hair, women of every age have started swearing, wearing jogging pants and watching Good Morning Britain. One husband admitted: ‘I didn’t know that it was George Clooney who was holding this fragile marriage together. Mr. Clooney is a two-time Oscar winner, a human rights activist but more importantly he represents the last hope of happiness. My wife is now just curled up in a foetal position with a bottle of cheap cider, full fat ice cream and all the pork scratchings she could find’.
When interviewed, one flip flop wearing, former-executive said: ‘When Matthew McConaughey got hitched I stopped blow-drying and just put my hair into a scrunchie,’ she said. ‘But now that Georgie Porgie is gone I’ve stopped saying “no” to chocolate fudge cake. Dental hygiene, intimate waxing, even putting down the toilet seat – I’ve stopped it all. I knew I’d hit rock bottom when I caught myself using the cat’s litter tray’.