The Truth about Goats
A Panorama’s investigation has revealed that the diminutive Formula 1 boss has been cunningly concealing his age (83) by only appearing in public as a wrinkled child, with an anaemic Harry Styles hair piece and a series of elegant models to breast feed him. ‘Master Ecclestone’ paid less than 1% (£10m) of the monies due to HMRC by claiming that he only had a ‘Saturday paper round’ , ‘a £5 book voucher from his Nan at Xmas’ and it was clearly ‘long past his bedtime’.
By setting up a series of trust funds, itsy- bitsy Ecclestone was able to siphon off non-taxed funds in the form of ‘pocket money’ from his ex-wife. Revenue inspectors could do nothing so long as he could provide invoices for over one billion copies of the Beano. For much of the late 90s, the pint-sized Ecclestone went under the guise of ‘Wee Jimmy Krankie’. Later he adopted the persona of a cub scout, which involved declaring income from ‘bob a job week’ for a period of 2307623 years.
The miserly Lilliputian is currently on trial in Munich for bribery charges but will only be able to attend if his ‘secondary school runs an exchange programme this year’. His lawyer explained: ‘On paper he’s the fifth richest person in the UK but most that is just monopoly money. People have suggested he’s run Formula 1 for 40 years but they’ve clearly got confused by the scalextric kit in his bedroom. Yes Bernie is a Nazi apologist and homophobe, with links to big tobacco, but he’s just a kid. It’s just a stage he’s going through.’